Navigating Grief
MELISSA DRABBANT, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
Many people think of grief as an emotional experience or state attached to the death of a loved one. Grief, however, is not limited to death-related losses alone. Grief can arise from several experiences in a person's life. Some common examples include, but are not limited to job loss, chronic pain, friendship fallouts, romantic breakups, the death of pets, childhood trauma, moving homes or countries, social justice implications, parents divorcing, a pandemic, witnessing others grieving, etc. Grief is a part of the human experience, meaning that at some point or another, we will all experience it throughout our lifetime.
I find themes of grief come up a lot in therapy. Many people are grieving daily. Often, clients ask me how to get rid of or get over their grief. They want it to be over, to be passed it. They are telling themselves that this is the way, and so are others around them. My response to clients is this: grief is not something we get over, it is something we must move through and with, rather than against. I believe that the only way to make it through the acuteness of grief is to allow oneself to feel it and process it when they are able. Understandably, this is not what most clients want to hear! Grief can be such a painful, exhausting, lengthy, and intense experience. So, I get it; I hear you. If you are reading this amid your grief, I want to tenderly hold and honour your experience. Grief hurts. It makes us ache. It can leave us feeling unbearably alone. It’s an invisible type of injury because we feel it in our being, and not just our bodies.
I hope this post will normalize that everyone grieves in different ways—that there is no “right” way to grieve, and that there is no timeline for someone’s grief process. My aim is also to help you navigate your grief by learning more about it and having access to some relevant strategies.
What is Grief?
Because grief can be quite complicated and nuanced, there appears to be no definitive definition of it. Simply put, it can be defined as our reaction to the experience of a loss. It is important to note that grief in and of itself is a natural and normal response to loss. Losses vary in type but can be intensified by several factors including the strength of the bond to the person or thing lost, one’s current state of mental health, previous losses, previous trauma, and the suddenness of the loss. As a result, comparing losses is nearly impossible. Loss is loss, and we all experience and react to it in the only ways we know how.
Common Grief Reactions:
Emotional: sadness, depression, anger, guilt, loneliness, blame, relief, confusion, shock, denial
Mental: fogginess, dissociation, absent-mindedness, forgetfulness, rumination
Physical: extreme fatigue, insomnia, stomach issues, hypersensitivity to stimuli, muscle aches
Spiritual: existential crisis, loss of meaning and purpose, loss of fulfillment, disconnection with self and others, isolation
According to the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement (Grief) by Stroebe & Schut (2010), there are no normal means of coping with loss. We must seek to find a balance between “loss-oriented” and “restoration-oriented” processes. They stress the nuances of the grieving process while acknowledging that the way through grief is not by working through it at all times. As humans, we require breaks and space from intense pain to survive and come out on the other side. Some examples of loss-oriented processes are thinking about the loss, feeling the emotions associated with it, and doing intentional grief work. Alternatively, restoration-oriented processes are as follows: distractions/avoidance of grief, trying new things, attending to daily life tasks, and engaging in new roles and relationships. Below you will find a list of strategies that embody both of these imperative processes
What is Mourning?
If grief is our reaction to the loss, mourning is then processing and outward expression of that grief. Mourning can look like crying, sharing about the loss, practicing rituals to remember, revisiting associated places, creating art, getting grief counselling, joining a support group, taking time off of work, etc. Mourning is an important part of moving with and through our grief. Just as with grief, we also all mourn in unique ways and at our paces.
Ways to Cope with & Express Grief:
Access or build a strong support network to rely on
Keep a consistent routine/schedule
Find adaptive distractions you enjoy
Access your creativity and imagination (art, books, concerts, t.v., theatre, etc.)
Join a grief support group
Take time off of work to rest or travel
Seek grief counselling
Spend time in nature
Practice gratitude
Find somewhere to serve/support others
Write about your thoughts and feelings
Educate yourself on aspects of the grief process (music, books, podcasts, courses, etc.)
Get adequate sleep or improve sleep hygiene
Practice mindfulness and meditation
Engage in self-care regularly
Release emotions when waves of grief come
Move your body (walking, yoga, hiking, weightlifting, etc.)
Compassion journaling and/or exercises
Resources on Grief:
Books
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler
It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand – Megan Devine
When Breath Becomes Air – Paul Kalanithi
Tuesdays With Morrie – Mitch Albom
Support Organizations:
Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA)
https://cmha.ca/brochure/grieving/
Center for Addiction & Mental Health
https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-and-covid-19/loss-grief-and-healing
Canadian Virtual Hospice
https://mygrief.ca/
References:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/dual-process-model-of-grief/
https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-and-covid-19/loss-grief-and-healing
Grief Counselling & Grief Therapy 5th Ed. By J. William Worden