The Fear of Vulnerability
JYOTI GILL, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE, SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
A few years ago, there was a TED talk that went viral and opened up a conversation on vulnerability (Brown, 2010). The person who gave this talk is a woman named Brené Brown, a researcher and author who has become widely known for her research on shame, vulnerability, and leadership. She went on to do more talks on the subject and created a few Netflix specials. The reason her talk became so widely known is because she was discussing concepts that people had been yearning to know more about, and had now received in a format that was publicly accessible. The year this talk went viral, I had every other client talking about the impact of this talk, and the conversations were similar – “I’ve always been afraid of being vulnerable in relationships”, “I feel a lot of shame for being inadequate”, “What if I make myself vulnerable, and get rejected?”. This was a great starting point for a lot of people in delving deeper into their fear of vulnerability.
A good way to understand vulnerability is through this description of it:
“Vulnerability is consciously choosing to NOT hide your emotions or desires from others” (Manson, n.d.).
Being vulnerable is inherently risky. Even with your best guesses about how your vulnerability is going to be received, there is no guarantee of the outcome. And the worst-case scenario for most people often is being rejected after having made themselves vulnerable. Being vulnerable can look different for different people, from voicing your needs to creating an original piece of art, from confessing romantic feelings towards someone to speaking up at a meeting, from standing up for your beliefs to trusting someone. The ways of vulnerability are endless, however, the one thing they have in common is the possibility of rejection. Your needs could be ignored or shamed, your artwork could be criticized, your romantic feelings could be unrequited, you could be ridiculed or silenced if you speak up, and your trust could be broken. For these reasons, people tend to create armour around themselves that is meant to be self-protective but often becomes isolating. To not risk rejection by being vulnerable can mean living a “safe” but isolated life where you don’t take any chances. While you may be “safe” from the possibility of hurt and rejection, you also miss out on joy, connection, love, innovation, and vitality.
I don’t recommend going out and risking vulnerability with just anyone in order to reap its benefits. Blind vulnerability can strengthen the belief that vulnerability isn’t worth it if you end up trusting someone too soon who proves to be untrustworthy. It can be helpful to vet the person, to understand what others around them think about them, but also take your time to build a connection. Often people find themselves wounded when they fall in love instantly and put too much trust in a romantic potential within a short period of time, or even in a friendship, they may overshare vulnerable parts of themselves only to find out later that their information was not held in confidence.
Brené Brown reinforces this as she states that “vulnerability is not oversharing. It’s sharing with people who have earned the right to hear our stories and our experiences” (Hello Lovely, n.d.).
A simple tool that people have found to be helpful around trust in relationships has been to use the “share-check-share” formula. If people have experienced betrayal in the past, and are weary of trusting again, they may start by sharing a small bit of personal information that is likely not to cause any harm to the individual sharing it. And then they may wait to see how the receiver responds. This process can help people identify whether the person they are sharing their information with is open and receptive to them, and also whether this person is trustworthy and will hold their information in confidence. While this is not foolproof, it often has been a helpful tool for people who tend to share too fast upon meeting someone, only to realize after that this person was not the right person to share with.
While vulnerability can often be a frightening experience for some people, it is important to acknowledge how commonplace it is for humans so that you can see that you are not alone. It can be helpful to have conversations with trusted others about the fear of vulnerability. And for people who struggle with trauma and betrayal in relationships, it can be helpful to seek out professional assistance from therapists, counsellors, and guides to help you heal, to learn to trust others and yourself again, in order to reap the benefits of vulnerability in safe relationships.
References:
Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability, Ted talk https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability/c
Hello Lovely. (no date). Brené Brown quotes: Courage, empathy and vulnerability for personal growth. https://www.hellolovelystudio.com/2022/07/brene-brown-quotes.html
Manson, M. (no date). Vulnerability: the key to better relationships. https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships