The Human Experience of Shame
MELISSA DRABBANT, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE, SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
Shame may be described as an intense and often painful emotion that can emerge from one’s personal belief or perception of being a failure, inadequate, and/or unworthy.
“Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough.” – Brené Brown
Shame Versus Guilt
It is important to distinguish shame from guilt. While both emotions can lead to introspection and relational shifts, as well as similar outcomes (depression, anxiety, withdrawal, low self-esteem, etc.), the messages they carry are different.
Shame can sound like this:
I am not enough - I am a bad person - There is something wrong with me - I am a failure
Shame focuses on our character flaws and deficiencies as a person.
Shame can serve to separate us from others until we can address these flaws and deficiencies to maintain acceptance and connection in our relationships.
Guilt can sound like this:
I did something wrong – I made a mistake – I failed – I did a hurtful thing
Guilt focuses on the behaviour or action completed that did not align with our values or the values of society.
Guilt serves as a form of accountability when we go against our values and as a motivator for changing unhelpful behaviours and patterns.
Is Shame a Helpful or Valuable Emotion?
Much of the research on shame acknowledges it as a universal, core human emotion. Underlying shame is ultimately a fear of disconnection in relationships. Therefore, if we are in relationships with others, we will inevitably experience shame to a degree. This is completely normal. An evolutionary function of shame serves as a gauge for maintaining social interaction by adhering to cultural norms and expectations (Cibich M., Woodyatt L., & Wenzel M., 2016) so as to not be ostracized from the group and decrease chances of survival. Shame as a primitive tool, has been utilized as a sort of self-check to acquire and maintain acceptance. It can be said then that shame is an important emotion, with the specific purpose to preserve social status and connection when our responses or behaviours have threatened such. The initial action tendency of shame is withdrawal from others to evaluate ourselves and regulate our emotions before reengaging with social groups or significant relationships.
Shame is not the only difficult or painful emotion we experience. Guilt, anger, grief, disappointment, and sadness may also be a part of our “I don’t like experiencing these feelings” list. Ultimately, shame is complex, overlapping with and weaving itself into other experiences and emotions. Shame is an internalized experience—it happens on the inside, causing us to base our identity on our imperfections and how others have treated us. But our shame is not bad in and of itself—no emotion is. While it does not accurately depict who we are in our entirety, it's doing its best to keep us connected for our survival and well-being.
When Does Shame Become Problematic or Harmful?
Shame becomes problematic and harmful, like any other human emotion, when it is chronic: getting stuck and feeling overwhelmed all of the time by our experience of it. It is then that shame, comparable to chronic depression or chronic anxiety, becomes less adaptive and quite harmful to one’s mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. If you find yourself experiencing shame almost all of the time, it may be helpful to confide in a close, trusted person and/or seek professional support to better understand your experience of it and its origins, as well as to learn new ways of decreasing distress.
Common Causes of Chronic Shame
Complex childhood trauma (prolonged neglect and abuse)
Difficult life experiences and traumas
Bankruptcy, financial loss, job loss
Being bullied
Divorce and separation
Repeated failures in areas of importance to us
Sexual assault or sexual harassment
Persistent depression or anxiety
Religious ideologies
Difficulty regulating intense emotions
A lack of helpful coping strategies and tools
Outcomes of Chronic Shame
Disconnection from oneself
Avoidance, numbness, dissociation, lack of emotional awareness
Isolation & withdrawal from relationships
Overthinking (rumination)
Constantly replaying past or future interactions and situations in your mind
Depression or low mood
Feelings of loneliness and emptiness
Chronic pain and illness
Low self-esteem
Disordered eating
Binging, purging, restricting, etc.
Addictions and substance abuse
Self-harm
Self-destructive behaviours
Cultivating Resilience
As mentioned earlier, we will experience aspects of shame throughout our lives as we engage in relationships. Because this is the case, it becomes imperative that we cultivate resiliency against some of the negative side effects of chronic shame.
Brené Brown’s theory of shame resilience may be of help. Here are the four key components:
Recognizing, naming, and understanding our shame triggers
Identifying external factors that led to the feelings of shame
Connecting with others to receive and offer empathy
Speaking about our feelings of shame with others
While shame often leads us toward isolation (ironically, preventing the connection it strives to maintain), empathy may lead us toward connection. And it is this connection, belonging, and acceptance that we as humans crave so deeply. We crave it from others, but we also crave it from ourselves. Practicing self-compassion regularly is one way to better understand and soothe our shame over time and increase positive self-esteem. Below are further resources to access, if you would like to learn more about shame and the human experience.
Resources
Book:
The Gifts of Imperfection – Brené Brown
Atlas of the Heart – Brené Brown
Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself – Kristin Neff
Video:
The Components of Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff
Podcast:
Well Being Podcast: Understanding Shame – Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
References
Brown, Brené. 2021. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. New York, Random House.
Cibich, M., Woodyatt, L., and Wenzel, M. (2016) Moving beyond “shame is bad”: How a functional emotion can become problematic. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 10: 471– 483. doi: 10.1111/spc3.12263.
https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/developing_shame_resilience_is_key_to_emotional_health_and_wellbeing
https://integrativelifecenter.com/shame-resilience/