Were the Holidays Stressful for You? Learn How to Cope Ahead
Megan Davies, MA, RCC - Vitality Collective Vancouver Therapist
The holiday season is here and it’s a stressful time for many in which people find themselves needing to recover afterward.
And while this time of year can bring about lots of fun, laughter, quality time, and of course those classic cheesy Christmas movies, it can also bring up a plethora of emotions from positive to negative, and everything in-between.
It may be a time of joy, celebration, and getting together with loves ones, it can also bring about intense emotions such as anger, grief, numbness, sadness and irritation. All these emotions, combined with seasonal triggers, can make for very overwhelming thoughts and can leave us vulnerable to mood swings and emotional dysregulation. There is often a lot of pressure to have a certain kind of experience – one that is about family, friends, joy, and celebration. For many people, this is more of a fantasy than a reality. It is important to practice strategies that will support your mental health during the holidays. It is important and extremely helpful to acknowledge that simple fact so you can Cope Ahead.
Cope Ahead is an emotion regulation skill that helps us to prepare and plan ahead when we anticipate having to deal with distressing or uncomfortable emotions. This skill allows us to deal with our feelings in advance and rehearse a plan to prevent us from falling into old patterns and increase our chances of coping skillfully. You can cope ahead by anticipating which situations may be difficult and preparing what you will say or how you will act in these moments. This may reduce your vulnerability to intense emotions and help you manage your emotions most effectively. The following tips will help you cope ahead this holiday season.
Step 1: Describe the situation using just the facts and as specifically as possible. Including the emotions, you are likely to experience.
We want to get honest with ourselves about the kind of situations that are repeatedly hard to handle. Allow yourself to reflect back on past situations, how they felt, and what emotions and behaviours came to the surface. An example could be “ I’m going to be seeing my extended family for a holiday party Sunday. In the past, they typically ask me questions about my personal life and why I haven’t had children yet. I feel uncomfortable, angry, and judged when this happens. In the past, I ended up getting into a fight and my family was upset and told me I overreacted and was in the wrong.” Cope Ahead can be a tool to help bring awareness to what was triggering in that previous experience, what you felt, and what reaction and behaviour came from that feeling. The part that takes control is your emotional mind – a fundamental DBT concept. The emotional mind triggers your reactions, and you act in the state. Many behaviors or choices that you later regret are done in this emotional state of mind.
The advantage of coping ahead is being able to look inward when you’re not in the situation that pushes your buttons is that you can take a step back. You have the time and space to think things through and look at these parts of yourself with your wise mind. Cope Ahead helps by letting you harness the power of your wise mind before you act, instead of after. While you are calm and centred, it has you map out the situations that get you into trouble so you can plan to act differently in the future.
The Cope Ahead skill asks you to go somewhere that’s hard; to bring your wise mind – the mind that looks at yourself honestly and clearly as well from a place of compassion and understanding. Remember to try and check the facts, does the punishment fit the crime? It’s totally understandable that certain situations may leave you with intense emotions but check to make sure the emotions and the intensity fit the facts of what is really happening. I like to ask myself this question, is it an old wound, or a new upset?
Step Two: Decide which skills you want to use (i.e., problem-solving, soothing or coping skills).
Which skills do you want to use at the holiday party? Get specific. Do you need to distract yourself with an activity or do you need to take a break and take space when you’re angry? Maybe you’re feeling tested by a family member who gets to you every holiday season. This could be a good opportunity to self-soothe and take a few minutes to yourself. This could look like walking around the block or, watching a funny Facebook video, or calling a friend for support.
Step 3: In your mind, rehearse effectively coping with the situation.
It’s important to practice and rehearse and practice coping effectively. Picture what you will do, rehearse how you’ll act or react, what will you say and how will you say it? Anticipate a potential new problem arising in the moment, how would you cope? Remember to go easy on yourself, you are taking vulnerable and difficult steps to break patterns of behaviour that are not serving you. Cope Ahead is a challenging skill, but it is worth the time and effort. I encourage you to get honest about what situations and emotions you’re worried about this holiday season, so you can effectively prepare for what may happen, instead of finding yourself in the same corner, with the same aunt who’s asking you about why you’re not married.