The Damage We Do By Self-Bullying
Raelene Hurry, M. Ed., RCC, Surrey Therapist
Bullying. It’s been talked about a lot over the years, but perhaps not like this. Bullying is defined as “a form of aggressive behaviour in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort” (APA, 2022). We have come a long way in understanding the harmful effects bullying can have on people’s social and emotional development, interpersonal relationships, education, and mental health. Because of this, significant efforts are taken in schools to try to eliminate bullying and mitigate its effects.
We often feel hurt, scared, or angry when someone bullies us and we want it to stop. So, why do we consent to bullying ourselves? Why do we sometimes berate ourselves, speak negatively to ourselves, criticize our perceived flaws, tell ourselves we aren't good enough and beat ourselves up for things? And why do we do this over and over? When we do this, we are in fact bullying ourselves! We are causing ourselves injury and discomfort that has lasting effects on our mental health.
The reasons why we may engage in self-bullying are complicated and unique to each individual; however, sometimes it begins with experiencing external bullying or abuse and receiving false messages from others that we come to believe about ourselves. Often, it is the result of unmet needs that have negatively contributed to your sense of self and impacted your self-esteem; perhaps people were not there for you the way you needed them to be and you began to think things were wrong with you. Sometimes our personalities are more sensitive and we personalize every failure and we attach it to false beliefs about ourselves; maybe we also haven’t learned how to have a growth mindset and be resilient in the face of challenges. There is also no denying that the media and our unrealistic and flawed societal expectations often profoundly impact our mindset and self-esteem.
When lacking confidence, healthy self-esteem, and self-worth, it is extremely common for people to engage in self-bullying. Our brains are thinking machines that make meaning out of all the information they process. That means we construct our reality and create our stories, sometimes to meet our expectations. For example, when we do something wrong, we may attach meaning to that and tell ourselves we are stupid, useless, etc., especially if it fits with what we have experienced in the past. We then create a pattern of negative self-talk that affirms the story we tell ourselves, resulting in self-bullying.
When we bully ourselves, we often ruminate or overthink. This hijacks our attention from the present moment, steals our happiness, takes away our joy and possibilities, and impacts our relationships with others. When we belittle ourselves, we feed anxiety and depression and ruin our sense of self. Not to mention, all that negativity is exhausting!
How to Repair the Damage of Self-Bullying
Be mindful of your thoughts, notice and then observe them, almost scientifically, and factually.
Challenge the thoughts. Are they facts or opinions? Are they true? Is there evidence? Could anything else be true?
Pay attention to the positives; journal about your gratitude daily to train your mind to look for the good things in life. Tip: Don’t simply repeat your gratitude; try to find 2-3 different things you are grateful for daily.
Focus on and foster your strengths! Continue to improve the things you already do well and you will foster your self-esteem.
Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small!
Align with your values; when you behave in ways that match your values, your self-esteem will benefit and your confidence in who you are will grow.
Connect with an emotion focussed therapist who can help you process old wounds, show yourself self-compassion, and recreate a new narrative.
“You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head. Be kind to yourself.” ~ author unknown
https://www.apa.org/topics/bullying
https://tinybuddha.com/wisdom-quotes/will-never-speak-anyone-speak-head-kind/