All About Attachment
KATE MALONE, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
VANCOUVER THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
What is Attachment?
The human attachment system is a natural and biological process that motivates us to stay in connection with others. Human beings have always lived in a community, and we depend on these connections for our survival.
As babies, we depend on our caregivers to understand our needs and keep us physically and emotionally safe. Our early attachment figures ideally will be a safe haven, somewhere we can feel safe in times of distress, as well as a secure base, an anchor point to return to as we explore the world. To what degree our attachment figures can provide these feelings of safety and security influence us throughout our lives.
Why is it Important to Us as Adults?
Adult Relationships
In adolescence, our attachment focus shifts from caregiver relationships to peer relationships, including romantic connections. Although our physical safety as adults no longer depends on whether we are connected to someone, our brains don’t know that. This is why heartbreak feels so painful - it threatens our attachment system and our survival!
The early experiences we have with an attachment figure will influence how we feel and behave in romantic encounters. This is what most people mean when they talk about attachment styles. Our attachment systems influence the beliefs we have that other people are safe and secure, and what we do to stay in connection with them.
What does it mean to be securely or insecurely attached?
Secure attachment is formed when our caregivers (usually parents) are reliably there for us. When we cry, they come, and when we look for them, they are there. Someone who was securely attached as a child learns that relationships are safe and comforting in times of stress, and are more likely to choose partners who are also securely attached.
Insecure attachment is formed when our caregivers were not reliably there for us. We cry, and they don’t always come. Instead of a sense of safety, our attachment system interprets a threat to our survival. And because we need our attachment figures to survive, our systems do whatever it takes to get that connection back! We adapt to our caregivers' attachment limitations in order to survive. These adaptations are commonly known as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles.
Attachment Styles
Secure
Someone with a secure attachment style had parents who were consistent enough. Their attachment system did not have to adapt to any threat, it was able to operate as intended without fear of losing connection. These individuals have learned that other people are safe, and feel loved by those close to them. Secure individuals do not fear their partner leaving them and are comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy. In times of stress, they benefit from turning to their partners for support.
Anxious Attachment
Someone with this attachment style had parents who were inconsistent - sometimes available and sometimes not. As a child, their strategy to stay in connection was to cry even louder, hoping to get their needs met. Anxious attachment in adulthood is characterized by worries about being loved by partners. Individuals cope with this fear of abandonment with clinging behaviours and intensified emotions, a strategy that worked for them in childhood but may create problems in adult relationships.
Avoidant Attachment
This attachment style is born from experiences where caregivers were emotionally unavailable or insensitive to a child’s emotional needs. In order to stay connected to parents, children learn to detach from their emotional experiences, shutting down their need for emotional connection. In adulthood, individuals with an avoidant attachment style may not feel comfortable with vulnerability or depending on partners. Avoidant individuals have a harder time accessing their emotions. Like anxiously attached individuals, they fear abandonment from their partners, but they cope by detaching themselves first, often without awareness of their deeply human need for connection.
Disorganized Attachment
A disorganized attachment style is an outcome of having caregivers who are the source of attachment as well as a source of fear. These dynamics are extremely scary and confusing for children, and they develop strategies that include both seeking closeness as well as shutting down their needs. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment might experience extreme fear of rejection, as well as the desire to push closeness away.
Moving toward secure attachment
While attachment styles are deeply rooted, they don’t have to dictate our entire lives. We can and do move towards secure attachment when we are in the right environment. Through safe relationships, we can begin to cultivate new patterns of relating to others. This might be with a close friend, a romantic partner, or a therapist. We are wired for connection, and when given the opportunity, our attachment systems want to heal our early attachment wounds.
If you are interested in learning more about your experiences with attachment, reach out to a qualified therapist who works from an attachment framework.
References:
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/disorganized-attachment/
https://dianepooleheller.com/ambivalent-anxious-attachment-style/
Poole, Heller, D. (2019) The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships. Sounds True.