Mindful Communication - Strategies for Healthy Conversations
ASHLEY HEWER, MA, RCC - VITALITY COLLECTIVE CLINICAL COUNSELLOR (SURREY, BC)
Communication is a huge part of our day-to-day lives, from work or school to personal relationships, and all the little interactions with people along the way. It can be through in-person contact, email, text message, virtual meetings, and through nonverbal cues like our body language.
Even though it is such a huge part of the day, it's often something people struggle with. Sometimes we do not feel heard by other people, other times we don’t understand what someone is trying to explain to us. Alternatively, someone may tell us we aren’t listening or understanding them even though we think they are. Mindful communication involves how we talk and listen to others, and even how we approach the conversations.
“We Need to Talk”
Most people have probably received an email, text message or phone call saying we need to talk later, most people have also probably said that to someone else. Think back to a time when you were told by someone that you need to talk or a similar statement with little to no detail about what you are going to be talking about. Did you become worried, stressed or anxious? Did you begin to overthink things, did you question if you had done something wrong? What about if you have been the person who told another person you needed to talk with little details; had you been thinking about the topic for a while now? Have you prepared what you need to say? Are you angry or hurt?
Chances are if we go through with this conversation regardless of if we are the one initiating it or not it probably won’t go as well as it could. If both parties have the knowledge of what the conversation entails both people get time to prepare to have the conversation. To prepare it is helpful to really understand how you’re feeling, and why you’re feeling the way you are. Using I statements rather than blaming statements. It also allows both parties time to ground themselves and enter into a conversation without feeling emotionally flooded (keep reading for more information on emotional flooding)
Another way we can approach a conversation is by asking the person if they have a minute or if now is an okay time to talk. This can be particularly helpful when you can see that a person is currently doing something. This gives them the option to say I need 5 minutes to finish what I am doing, meaning you will then get their full attention. If you are the person who is busy doing something, give yourself the appropriate time you need to give your full attention. This helps you both feel heard and understood.
Red, Yellow, Or Green?
Emotional Flooding can occur during a conversation particularly when the topic at hand is sensitive in nature, or around a conflict. When our heart rate increases, we have already lost some of the ability to think in a logical and rational way. We may start to yell, and we stop listening and turn reactive. If this happens, or you notice it starting to happen, it would be a good time to take a breather from the conversation and connect again and a mutually decided-on time.
When our emotions are high, we can think of that as being in the red zone. This zone is not the time to have serious conversations, and make decisions. Some indications people might be in the red zone, are people fidgeting, standing up or pacing. They may check out of the conversation completely and not respond to questions. They might start to yell, become defensive, or start blaming other people.
The yellow zone can look different for many people, and it's important for you to learn when you reach your personal yellow zone. This is when you can still carry on a conversation, but you might not be as present, you may be finding it hard to focus, and you have likely shifted from listening to understand to listening to respond. If you can catch yourself in a yellow zone, this is a good time to end the conversation and go back to it later.
The green zone is when your feel open to the conversation, you are present in the moment, with no distractions. Your stress and emotion levels are low and you are able to engage in meaningful communication.
Checking in around whether someone is red, yellow or green can be helpful before even starting a conversation. It can be helpful when leading work meetings, connecting with your kids after school, or with your partner after work. When we are all coming from different places, we don’t know what has happened before we meet with them. This type of check-in allows people to say where they are at without giving details if they don’t want to.
Additional tips for a great conversation
Listen to understand rather than listening to respond. When we listen to understand we stay present in what the other person is saying. When we listen to respond we are focusing on what we are going to say next and may miss an important piece of information.
If you aren’t sure what someone means, ask questions to clarify, and say you are not understanding.
Don’t interrupt (yes you probably heard this growing up from adults). When you interrupt someone, they may feel like what they have to say isn’t important.
Practice mindfulness before difficult conversations, go for a walk, practice deep breathing, and get into the present moment.
If you know you are going into a conversation that you are nervous about, write down what you want to say and bring it with you.
Communication is something we are constantly working on, it takes practice and no one gets it right 100% of the time. If you find yourself struggling to communicate, or experience increased fear, worry or anxiety around communication you may find it helpful to reach out to a professional counsellor.