Matrescence: A New Mother’s Journey
Raelene Hurry, M.Ed., RCC, Surrey Therapist
Remember being a teenager? Phew, some of us want to remember that time and some of us don’t! Adolescence is often a tumultuous time of incredible changes. Hormones are all over the place, emotions fluctuate, bodies change, relationships change, goals and dreams change, and the way adolescents think about these changes and how they see themselves and the world around them changes. Motherhood is just like this. Can you see the similarities?
Some women begin many of these changes prior to pregnancy if they are working with fertility specialists to help them conceive. Others begin this ride once they get pregnant, figuring out how to manage all the changes they are experiencing as they carry a child inside them. Before birth, a new mom may think she is ready for parenthood, may be well read and feel prepared for this new journey.
Then she has a baby.
Her world turns upside down.
She may be recovering from physical labour, surgery, or injury while experiencing an intense fluctuation of hormones. She has been adjusting to many extraordinary physical changes to her body since she got pregnant, gave birth, healed, dealt with milk coming in or not, possibly had blocked ducts, infections, hair falls out, or developed stretch marks and the list goes on.
The lack of sleep and the hormonal changes are things that no woman can truly be prepared for but must navigate through. Many new moms somehow often care for their babies while running on fumes, but that comes at a cost to their own well-being.
The new mom may have had challenges feeding or soothing her baby that left her feeling sad, frustrated, angry, confused, and exhausted. Emotions are mixed; she may be in love with her child, yet also sad, lonely, scared, and worried she isn’t a good mom. She may question all that she has read, wonder why those strategies don’t work for her or her child and feel frustrated when things are not as smooth as she had hoped, concluding that she isn’t a good mom and leaving her feeling defeated.
Her relationships change.
She doesn’t have time for friends in the same way as she once may have, her intimate relationships are likely impacted, and well-meaning family and friends may impose parenting advice or expectations that don’t align with her views or values. She may naturally long for her life before her child was born, yet feel terribly guilty for thinking that way.
The truth is, it isn’t an easy time in a new mother’s life. Often it is full of joy, excitement, awe, laughter, and a love like she’s never known. Yet, it is also often full of so many biological, psychological, social and even spiritual changes in her life that can be really interesting to navigate. We all understand that adolescence is a time in a young person’s life when they will likely need some extra holding and support in unique ways based on their individual needs and experiences. But when mothers struggle, it’s common for people to conclude that something is wrong with them, or that they must have postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is a real and treatable diagnosis that requires mental health support, but instead of assuming something is wrong with her, we need to recognize and normalize this developmental time in one’s life known as matrescence! Perhaps supporting her through this time is the most important thing family and friends can do.
What support they need is very individualized and unique to each woman. Simply asking her how she feels, what her day was like, or how her night was, can be helpful, especially when she is given the space to express herself without the fear of judgment.
It’s okay to acknowledge the good and the bad! As said by blessed psych momma on Instagram, “It’s not about hating motherhood…it’s being honest. It’s not pretending this isn’t hard. It’s validating our feelings. It’s setting realistic expectations. It’s being human”.
Perhaps she feels heard, but what she really needs is physical help from friends and family. Offer to take the baby while she has a nap or goes for a walk, or maybe ask if you can throw a load of laundry on or do some dishes. With the endless loads of laundry that come with having a baby, there is a pretty high chance any of those things would be helpful. If you are her partner, doing these things without asking is often appreciated.
If you are a mother and you spend a lot of time online, it’s easy to feel like you are falling short or not a good enough mom when you compare yourself to others “perfect” posts. Instead, it can be helpful to follow accounts that normalize the good and the bad of motherhood, such as #motherhoodunfiltered .
If you are a new mom navigating the incredible journey of motherhood and feel you may benefit from support, therapy gives you the space to process all that you are experiencing and help you navigate this time in your life.
https://www.postpartumstress.com/