The Process of Healing
JYOTI GILL, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
Healing is a process. Most of us know this intellectually, but emotionally we may still struggle with it. We may expect ourselves to be further along in our healing journey than we actually are. We may feel frustrated with ourselves when we find ourselves engaging in the same old patterns. More recently during the holidays, some of us may have found ourselves regressing (a return to a former or less developed state – Oxford Languages dictionary) to younger versions of ourselves at family gatherings. Our frustration is further amplified when it is accompanied by thoughts such as “I thought I was much further along”, “I’ve been practicing boundary setting with my therapist, I can’t believe I didn’t follow through”, “I’m not supposed to feel so angry at my mother/father/family member”, etc. These thoughts are part of a narrative that tells us that once we have become aware of something, we must perfectly apply/utilize this knowledge for the rest of our lives. This is unrealistic and actually harmful to our self-worth.
Often people have conditions of worth which tell them that ‘they are only worthy if…’, unfortunately, many people complete this sentence with the word ‘perfect’. It is helpful for us to change this narrative by approaching ourselves with more compassion. People tend to feel better about themselves and their lives when they believe that they are worthy, acceptable, and loveable as they are, without having to perform to win love by being “perfect”.
Human beings are not perfect, but we have been sold this idea of perfection by our cultures, society, and other systems. This striving for perfection also shows up in how well we think we are healing. Accepting that healing takes time, and that your old wounds may surprise you from time to time, allows you to be better equipped for the process of healing. It grants you the freedom to be human, to make mistakes, and be imperfect while holding yourself in a space of love. I highly recommend reading the book, ‘The Spirituality of Imperfection’ by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham for further understanding of how the human striving for perfection gets conflated with one’s spirituality or higher consciousness, and how that may get people stuck in a negative loop.
Often people begin to think that having perfect control over their emotions, or having perfectly healed an old wound is an indication of how spiritual or conscious they are. This way of thinking leaves no room for human error and simply doesn’t allow for us to be in process. The authors advocate that by accepting our limitations and accepting the inevitability of failure and pain, we can move toward a greater sense of serenity and self-awareness.
I have heard somewhere that "healing is never done.”
People are dynamic, always changing and in flux, which means that as they change, their perspectives on their lives and their problems change as well. Sometimes clients will find themselves confronting a part of themselves that they had healed long ago, and feel that it again needs some tending to. That is the human experience. Instead of viewing this return to a previous state as a failure, it is helpful to think of healing as a spiral where you may confront an old issue, but this time from a different perspective. T. S. Eliot said, "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time." What's exciting about ‘healing never being done’ is that it allows us to gain fresh and new perspectives throughout our lives. And you continue to build on past healing - which cannot be lost, instead, you become more resilient and more empowered, as you deepen your process of healing. In shifting your mindset from goal-orientated to process-orientated, you can relax into the process of your life as it unfolds, without the constant anxiety of reaching your goals within a certain timeframe. This way of being is likely to have positive impacts in other aspects of your life as well as you surrender to your experience, instead of fighting for control.
So the next time you find yourself confronting an old wound, remind yourself that healing is a process and not something that once dealt with is gone forever. Try to bring some compassion to yourself in your journey of healing. Remind yourself that you are imperfect, and are allowed to be imperfect. That having imperfections or limitations makes you no less worthy than others, and in fact, makes you human like everybody else. Practice mindfulness (non-judgmental awareness of the present) around your thoughts and feelings, catch the thoughts that reinforce the old story of perfection and replace them with more self-compassionate thoughts that allow you to be human and in the process of healing.