Handling Conflicts (Challenges) Effectively & The Four Primary Parenting Styles
Imagine a life without conflict.
Sounds great doesn’t it? But we all know that’s not possible because conflict is inevitable. Depending on a variety of factors (the nature of the problem, our mood, our relationship with the other person, or the time of day), we handle conflict in different ways. Below is a continuum to show the range of ways people may react to conflict:
Passive----------------Assertive-----------------Aggressive
(avoids) (communicates effectively) (attacks)
Conflict in families can be especially stressful because we are so invested in these relationships. We care what our loved ones think and feel, and so when hurtful words or actions are exchanged it is very distressing to both parties.
According to Attachment Theory (Bowlby), conflict is considered an opportunity for growth in relationships. Most of us tend to view conflict negatively; but what if we were to look at it as a challenge and as a way to communicate our needs to others? Conflicts arise because we may have unmet needs in our relationships. For example, instead of saying I need some ‘me’ time, I yell at my husband and kids for not doing enough around the house. Or, I avoid my partner by burying myself in my work.
Strategies to Try First:
1. Identify your behaviour during a conflict: aggressive, passive-aggressive or passive.
2. Step back and don’t respond immediately. By taking a step back, our anger has time to subside and we give ourselves time to think before we speak.
3. Find a calm time and space when both parties can attend to the conversation without distractions.
4. Verbal and non-verbal communication is key to successful problem-solving. What we say is just as important as how we say it. Use eye-contact, position your body so you are facing the other party, and listen attentively (that means put your phone away!). Try to understand the other person’s perspective by putting yourself in their shoes. Wait for your turn to speak and don’t interrupt. When it is your turn, speak assertively. Look the person in the eye, sit up straight, use a calm voice and tone and be honest. “I messages” are an effective way to get your point across. For instance, “I felt angry when you didn’t do the dishes.” “I need some down time when I come home from work.”
5. Don’t play the blame game because that just makes people defensive. Express how you feel and what you need.
Let’s change the way we view conflict. When we change the way we look at something, we will react differently. Look at conflict as a challenge or as an opportunity for growth in ourselves and in our relationships.
The 4 Primary Parenting Styles:
The main parenting styles for handling conflict are typically categorized into four approaches, based on the general framework of parenting styles established by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind. Each style reflects different attitudes toward conflict resolution and discipline:
Authoritative Parenting
Approach to Conflict: Balances clear rules and expectations with warmth and support. Parents encourage open communication, listen to their children’s perspectives, and guide them in resolving conflicts constructively. They enforce boundaries but are flexible when appropriate.
Impact: Children tend to develop strong problem-solving skills, emotional regulation, and respect for authority, while also feeling valued and understood.
Authoritarian Parenting
Approach to Conflict: Enforces strict rules with little room for negotiation or discussion. Parents use a top-down approach where the parent’s word is final, and conflict is often handled through punishment or control rather than discussion.
Impact: Children may learn to follow rules but might struggle with communication skills, problem-solving, and emotional regulation, often experiencing fear or resentment in conflicts.
Permissive Parenting
Approach to Conflict: Parents are indulgent and avoid enforcing rules or confronting conflict. They often let their children handle situations as they see fit, even if it leads to poor conflict resolution, preferring to avoid tension.
Impact: Children may have difficulty respecting boundaries and managing conflicts independently, leading to issues with authority and emotional regulation.
Neglectful (Uninvolved) Parenting
Approach to Conflict: Parents are disengaged and offer little guidance, support, or discipline. Conflict is often ignored, and children are left to navigate these situations on their own.
Impact: Children may develop poor conflict resolution skills and emotional problems due to lack of support and guidance, potentially leading to behavioral issues.
In handling conflict, the authoritative style is generally considered the most effective, as it fosters open communication and teaches children how to manage disagreements in a healthy, respectful manner.
Get Matched With Qualified Help
Getting help to manage conflict is possible when it feels impossible to work through alone, and counselling can be a significant step towards a healthier, peaceful relationships.
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