How to make your holiday gatherings more meaningful this year
How to make your holiday gatherings more meaningful this year
I (Lisa Catallo) am typically the one that hosts my extended family’s Christmas gathering on Christmas Eve. We have our traditions that everyone counts on. We go to the Christmas Eve service, we come back to my place and have some food together, everyone opens their presents, and then go home. I know…exciting bunch aren’t we?
These times are fun and they are special, but there are times that I wish we could do it differently. I wish we could connect on a bit of a different level. It can be hard to break with the “way things always are” when it comes to family gatherings.
That’s why I was interested in the book by Priya Parker, “The Art of Gathering”. Priya has a background as a facilitator of gatherings around the world, planning events for people that she is close to as well as high-powered executives and government officials.
She argues that in an age where deep connection has become more and more difficult to attain we need to change the way that we plan and attend our gatherings – whether these are meetings, conventions, or family dinners.
Here are some tips out of her book that you might want to consider implementing in your holiday parties or dinners that you are planning.
1. Remember that you are the boss. When you choose to host a family dinner or your annual friends’ Christmas party, you set the stage for what will be eaten, and how the evening will take shape. Parker states that hosting isn’t democratic and that structure helps with parties. If you can set the rules for how you want an evening to go it actually provides your guests with comfort to know that there is structure and a purpose to the event. This can help them anticipate your gathering more, and also participate in a way that might not have previously happened.
2. Take the time to Introduce people to each other. A lot. This point might not be as relevant to the family who gets together on a regular basis, but for those of us who only gather for important occasions, you can use this tip as well. Quite often if you are the host, you are also the one who has the most interaction with your family members. Find things to suggest they share with each other. Ask about Sally’s mother-in-law’s vacation last summer. Finding ways to help people feel in touch with each other and learn more about each other will provide touch points for communication and connection.
3. Parker suggests that you be generous – with food, wine, introductions and compliments. If you are hosting a party where you won’t be sitting down to eat right away, make sure there are plenty of snacks and beverages available to keep the blood sugar high.
4. Always do placement. Always. According to Parker, placement must be boy, girl, boy, girl. “Seat people next to people who do different things but that those things might be complementary or make sure they have something else in common – a passion or something rare. And tell people what they have in common.”
5. If you are hosting a gathering where there are multiple tables or gathering spaces such as some will be eating in the living room and others in the kitchen, make sure to have people introduce themselves and keep it short. Ask them to share their name, and something they like, what they did on the weekend or maybe something related to the gathering.
6. When it comes time for dessert people can switch where they are sitting, but Parker suggests that even this is best if you organize it ahead of time. Maybe you tell every other person at the table to switch their seats. This provides opportunity for connecting with multiple people at your gathering, and your guests can leave feeling fuller emotionally as well as physically.
One of the things that stands out to me in all of these rules are that there is both compassion and order throughout them. You are caring for your guests by providing them with structure as well as practical and interesting ways to learn more about each other and find connection.
Another key point that I learned in this book was that it is important to make your purpose for your gathering known in the first moments of your invitation and then again when you start your event.
If you are like me, when I arrange to have friends over to our place it’s typically the same group of people, and so I’ll throw out an email saying that I’d like to have them over, and we’ll be eating this. I might know that I want to leave the evening feeling connected to my friends and that we had fun, but I don’t really set the tone for it in the invitation. Parker suggests that you take time to consider why you are gathering, and what your purpose is for that evening, and then make that known in your invitation.
There is a part in this book where Parker talks about a family gathering that she planned to celebrate her recent marriage when they went home to India. She noted that when you have a family gathering, normally no one reveals anything fresh or exciting or what is not yet known about themselves. She wanted to make this event different from other family gatherings, and since they were bringing two families together, to find a way to help create openness quicker than would happen without being purposeful. She told her guests that she wanted them to leave their familiar stories about themselves at the door and bring into the room those parts of themselves that might surprise even their kids. The stories that were told that evening were interesting for me to listen to. I can only imagine what the atmosphere was like in the room that night.
How can you make some changes for your family gathering this season so that people walk away feeling like they’ve learned something new about each other…or even more content in their relationships than they were?
1. Make an actual invitation. Quite often we send out an email saying let’s figure this out, you get a date and that’s that. What if you were to get creative and either send out an email saying what you hope to get out of your time together? You could create a fun evite invitation, and invite them to bring a new story about themselves or a certain topic that can start a different type of conversation this year.
2. Make placetags and tell people where to sit this year. Mix it up. I know in our family we tend to sit with our spouses/significant others, but I think I’m going to be brave and mix us all up this year…see what kinds of conversations happen as a result.
3. Be directive but gentle. If you find that someone is dominating the conversation at your annual friends’ Christmas, step in and redirect them. Maybe you could enlist the person who tends to talk the most to help you, by giving them a certain person to get talking, or give them a question to ask of everyone else and they’re not allowed to answer until everyone has shared.
4. Participate. One of the things that Parker highlights in her book is that the host/hostess needs to be involved and present during the event, rather than think that your job is done as soon as everyone has a drink. That might mean that you ask someone to be responsible for clearing the table or washing dishes so that you can stay with the majority of your group. Find ways to make your vision happen that involve you rather than abdicating control of the gathering to someone else that doesn’t know what your hopes are.
5. Have fun. If you are relaxed and engaged, your guests will be too.
I hope that this article gives you some good tips for helping you with your holiday gatherings this year. If you’re interested in learning more, you can find the book here. We’d love to hear the results of trying out some of these tips! You can email Lisa at lisa@vitalitycollective.ca to let us know how it went.