It's the most wonderful time of the year!...Is it though?
Christmas time is here! A time for joy and cheer! Pretty lights, all aglow! Magic moments in the snow! There are carols to sing and presents to wrap! But truthfully? I feel like crap.
Have you ever felt the pressure to love the holiday season? It seems that everyone and their dog is excited for this magical time of year, yet you can’t seem to shake a lingering sense of dread as the festivities start to unfold.
The truth is, the holidays can be the toughest and loneliest time of the year for some people, for a multitude of reasons. Perhaps you can’t be with those you love due to distance and geography. Maybe you’re single and find yourself longing for closer connections with family or friends. Perhaps you have lost a loved one and this time of the year is marked by grief and a painful reminder that they are gone. Or maybe family relationships are tough, and Christmas parties and dinners feel more like obligations than celebrations. Whatever the reason, you are not alone in your loneliness. One in five Canadians report feeling lonely over the Christmas season, and only a small percentage report that they “never” feel lonely.
So what do you do about your Christmas blues? Read on for a few suggestions.
First of all, let’s just take a moment to normalize loneliness. Loneliness doesn’t have to be justified. You can feel lonely in a room full of people. Loneliness is also a universal human experience, one that is easily evaded today by the wide variety of distractions available to us in our modern and fast-paced world. Christmas can be a time that forces us to tune in to our own discontentment and disconnection. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s also okay to feel this way. Tuning in to this feeling can force us to take stock of our lives, and even motivate us to address some of the sources of our discontent we experience.
Suggestion: Instead of losing yourself in a burst of online Christmas shopping, or shoving your feelings under the tree skirt, try allowing yourself to sit in the discomfort of those lonely feelings. What is that feeling trying to tell you? What do you want that lonely part of you to know? Sitting with this feeling may be awkward, but it also increases our resiliency (our ability to stay with inevitable discomfort and move through it). If it’s possible, share your answers to these reflective questions with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. You might be surprised by how relatable your experience is.
Second, we are hard-wired for connection. Unfortunately, we live a world of pseudo-connections promoted by platforms such as Instagram and Facebook. Studies suggest that social media connections can be valuable for enhancing pre-existing relationships. However, if you are spending hours each day scrolling social media mainly as a substitute for real connection, you are likely to experience an increase in feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. These platforms, designed to make us closer and more connected, tend to do the opposite. Instead, they heighten our awareness of what is missing. Have you ever heard the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” from Theodore Roosevelt? Little did he know how relevant these words would become in 2019. The reality is that no online interaction can replace the value of being face-to-face with another human and connecting through conversation and/or activity. The other reality is that no one’s Instagram account accurately depicts the entirety of their real-life; so be gentle with yourself and remember that most of what we view online is curated.
Suggestion #1: If social media use is a typical part of your week, challenge yourself with a social media cleanse for the month of December, and take note of how this affects your mood. I won’t be surprised if you notice a shift in feelings of loneliness, disconnect, or inadequacy. Social media often takes up more of our time than we realize. I’d encourage you to think intentionally about what you could replace that habit with. Maybe there’s a cause you believe in that you could donate your time toward. Perhaps there’s a book you’ve been meaning to read. Consider adopting the habit of keeping a gratitude journal – cultivating gratitude can be a simple antidote to dwelling on what is lacking in your life. If eliminating social media entirely isn’t an option, consider putting time constraints on your social media use.
Suggestion #2: Practice real connection. Often during the holidays, there’s a lot of pressure to attend parties and social events, when the reality is that you may feel like you simply don’t have the capacity to show up in those contexts. So instead, create the contexts you do feel capable of showing up in. Initiate a coffee date with a friend. Say hello to the neighbour you’re typically too busy to acknowledge. Pick up the phone and call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Reaching out to others can solidify bonds and help you feel more connected and less lonely. This is especially important if you are grieving the loss of a loved one. Attempt to express your grief with someone else who either shares in your loss or who can relate to the experience.
Lastly, it’s important to note that often times our disappointment around Christmas time is impacted by our unrealistic expectations. Our society today puts a lot of pressure on us to be feeling merry and bright; and so, when your “fa-la-la” feels more like a “blah-blah-blah” you’re left feeling like a bit of a grinch. The truth is that life changes year to year, yet our expectations tend to stay the same, if we’re not mindful. We all will experience inevitable ups and downs, losses and gains as life unfolds, and the Christmas season will always serve as a mirror to highlight or remind us of the life changes that we’ve experienced.
Suggestion: Be gracious with yourself and prepare to adjust your expectations of the holiday season as life shifts. Take some time to reflect on how this Christmas season is the same or different than years past. What makes it harder (or easier) this year to enjoy the holidays? What did life look like a year ago today? What about five years ago today? What changes do I hope to experience in the year ahead? If you’re feeling ambitious, go ahead and get a start on those new year resolutions!
If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this, it’s that you’re not alone in feeling alone. We all have a part to play in normalizing loneliness, and it can start with the vulnerability of sharing our own experience. Consider if there’s a trusted friend or family member you feel comfortable enough with and let them know how you’re really doing – you just might be surprised to hear that they can relate to you. If your feelings of loneliness and isolation are pervasive and affecting your quality of life, consider reaching out to a counsellor to talk through your experiences and the ways you can work toward feeling more connected. In a season that is supposed to be all about hope, let us remember to hold the light for one another.
Written by Whitney Regan, MA, RCC