Navigating Sobriety through the Holidays: For the Addict and Their Supporters
Ashley Hewer, MA, RCC - Vitality Collective Surrey Therapist
The Holidays Are Often a More Difficult Season for Those Who Have Struggled with Addictions
Getting through the holiday season is difficult as it is, and it can be even more daunting when you are sober. Many people think of the holidays as a chance to take a break from work, see friends, family, exchange gifts, and attend parties. However, people experiencing addiction often find the social obligations of the holidays to be triggering.
Addiction is a coping mechanism and a complicated cycle. It starts as a way to reduce the negative feelings such as reducing anxiety in social situations, numbing emotional pain from trauma, to try and relax away stress. People learn that alcohol or drugs work effectively for this, they never set out with the goal to become an alcoholic or an addict. They just did what worked. Over time tolerance levels to substances build and more is required to obtain that same initial effect of relief. What complicates it, even more, is that with increased usage the substance user often acts in ways they would not if they were not under the influence of alcohol or drugs. They may not be able to hold a job, pay their bills, they may drive under the influence, they may get angry or emotional with loved ones, they may become abusive. This cycle adds to their trauma and anxiety, it creates shame and guilt, it isolates the addict, so they continue to use it because they don’t know what else to do.
Managing Being in the Supportive Role
As a loved one to someone experiencing substance use concerns it can be incredibly stressful. A constant worry of if they are going to be okay, wondering where they are. You may feel angry, resentful and sad. You may feel like you want to cut them off but you are worried if you do. You may feel like you would do anything to help them, but you try and it doesn’t work and resentment creeps in. Addiction is equally as complicated a cycle for you as for the addict.
The stigma around substance use can prevent individuals and families from seeking help. It is very possible that someone experiencing substance use concerns hides it quite well. Holidays have not looked the same the past couple of years, and chances are there are family and friends you haven’t seen in a while. Employers are allowed to have Holiday parties again, restaurants and bars are again open with fewer restrictions, and we are able to gather at home with loved ones. This could make the holiday season even harder for someone who has recently decided to shift their life away from substance use. The first year is often the hardest experiencing holidays, birthdays, and weddings etc., for the first time, often in years, without their coping mechanism while still trying to learn new ways to cope.
Below are a few ways you can support yourself if you are in recovery as well as some ways other people can be supportive of those they know or don’t know who may be in recovery or choosing not to use alcohol or other substances this holiday season.
Supporting yourself in recovery through the holidays:
Bring a sober friend or a trusted individual to events. If this isn’t possible have a couple of people you know you can rely on to call or text throughout the night.
It is okay to leave early. You do not have to stay the entire night, you can just go for dinner and leave afterwards.
Check-in with how you are feeling the day of. Just because you committed to plans doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind.
If you haven’t shared with your immediate family or friend group yet now might be the time, you may just find that they can be an incredible source of support.
Plan activities that don’t involve alcohol or drugs; connect with recovery communities and others in recovery.
Supporting someone else in recovery through the holidays:
Don’t ask why someone isn’t drinking or taking part in substance use, if they say no leave it at that.
Do make sure you have non-alcoholic options for beverages (pop, juice, sparkling water)
Do not assume just because someone is sober that they will be a designated driver - they may want to leave early if they are uncomfortable but feel pressured to stay because they are your ride home.
Invite them out even if you think they will say no; if they do want to leave early or decide not to come the day of it isn’t about you. They appreciate feeling included.
Plan activities that don’t involve alcohol or drugs. Someone in recovery might prefer a one-on-one lunch or coffee rather than a big party.
While these tips are not an exhaustive list of what can be done, they are a great place to start. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance use concerns you don’t have to struggle alone. Connecting with community groups can help to start the healing process, and increase positive coping mechanisms for both the addict and the supporter. Reaching out for individual support with a Registered Clinical Counsellor can also be beneficial to help process trauma, shame and guilt, as well as to help create positive coping mechanisms for anxiety, depression and stress.