How to Practice Self-Compassion and Stop the Inner Critic from Negative Self Talk

Written By Vitality Collective

Kate Malone, RCC, Vitality Collective

Vancouver Therapist & Registered Clinical Counsellor


Imagine if someone was following you around all day criticizing you.


“Why would you do something like that?
“You’re so stupid!”
“You never get anything right.”


Does this sound stressful? Does it also sound familiar? Believe it or not, this is the reality for
many of us. Except the person doing the criticizing is ourselves!


Why Do We Self-Criticize?


Self-criticism most often originates from early experiences with caregivers or peers. For
example, growing up experiencing abuse or in an environment of high criticism can result in
someone being highly self-critical later in life. Self-criticism is a survival strategy that develops
to keep us safe. This self-critical part begins to self-correct, looking for any mistakes and
potential failures to avoid being criticized by others.


It is important not to be hard on this self-critical part of you- it is an intelligent strategy that has
helped to survive painful experiences in the past. The problem is that this harsh way of relating
to ourselves can also limit our ability to thrive as adults. Try to offer gratitude for this part
keeping you safe, while at the same time recognizing that it might be time to try something
different.


The Neuroscience of Self-Compassion


When we experience criticism or unkindness from others, what happens? For many of us,
criticism is experienced as a threat. Maybe we get defensive, feel anxious, or shut down and
want to retreat. These are all survival responses to threats! An interesting thing about our brain is
that it can’t differentiate between an outside stimulus and an inside stimulus. For example, if you
are afraid of heights and imagine yourself high up, your palms might still get sweaty. In the same
way, when we self-criticize, our brains experience this no differently than harsh criticism from
another person. The same goes for compassion – our brains don’t know the difference whether
it’s real or imagined!


When we receive kindness and warmth from another person, this activates a different system in
our brains known as the soothing system. This system tells our defences that we are safe and that
we can relax. This is one reason why talking to someone who cares can help us feel better when
we’re stressed. When we receive compassion, our physiology calms; we can often think more
clearly and move through challenges more easily. And the good news is that our brains can
receive this compassion from the inside as well.


What Is Self-Compassion?


Instead of ignoring our pain, judging ourselves, or punishing ourselves for our struggles, self-
compassion is the radical belief that we are always deserving of love and care. It is the practice
of meeting ourselves with kindness no matter what we are going through, especially when we are
in pain.


Self-compassion involves three components. The first is mindful acceptance of our pain. Instead
of avoiding or pushing away emotions like sadness, grief, or anger, we accept that this is what
we are experiencing right now, and that it is painful.


“I am so angry right now, and it hurts”


The second component of self-compassion is recognizing that these emotions are human. It is
part of the human experience to suffer, and although your situation is unique to you, the
emotions you experience are universal and completely normal.


“Given what I’m going through, it makes sense that I am feeling this way”


Lastly, self-compassion involves offering yourself comfort. Try thinking of what you might say
to a friend. Additionally, you may want to place a hand on your heart or wrap your arms around
yourself.


“I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way” or “I know this is so hard right now”


Exercise – Building a Compassionate Figure


Another way of approaching self-compassion can be to build an image of a compassionate figure
you can imagine offers you self-compassion when you need it. Answer these questions to begin
to develop this nurturer inside of you:

Vitality Collective
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