HELP; WE’RE NOT COMMUNICATING!

Dec. 6

SUE NOBLE, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE

SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR

Actually, it’s not that you’re NOT communicating you’re likely not communicating effectively.

Interesting… the purpose of communication is to feel understood in the hopes to have one’s needs met. It’s actually about connection. When I see couples, the lack of connection is usually the issue couples are distressed or fighting about. Feeling misunderstood, unseen, or devalued often causes us to feel distressed, angry, hurt, frustrated, or defeated. So, one of the overlooked skills in communication is to be able to ask for what you need and why you need it. This means you also need to be able to identify your feelings. Otherwise, it’s likely you won’t receive it. This can lead to a lack of misunderstanding and connection.

Here are some techniques to communicate more effectively.

Make sure you are calm and comfortable. Bringing up something when you’re agitated or excited does not allow for effective communication.
Give your partner your full attention, ask for their attention or when they’d be free to give their full attention. Get grounded! (deep breaths, write, go for a walk, shake off your tension). Make sure technology is put away, and look into your partner’s eyes without staring them down. Use your body language to indicate you’re focused, interested, and lean in a bit.
Use feeling words, in other words, “I statements”. Ask for what YOU want, NOT what you want your partner to do. This is a skill to develop and one that doesn’t often come easily. “I statements” or “I messages” are void of expectation, it’s about the discussion that follows the statement that allows both to contribute to the discussion. If you are to be successful, you need to practice identifying your needs and wants accurately and you need to know your feelings in order to do this. I find this is one of the things effective communication takes the most time to learn and be consistent with. For example, “I feel you don’t do your fair share of the chores”. This is a classic case of using the word feel to describe another’s actions. The feeling is more likely, “I feel frustrated. When I look at how we share the chores it seems it's not evenly split, I would like to talk about it. Do you have time to do that now or would there be a better time?”.
Remember each of us are responsible for our thoughts and behaviours therefore, it’s important to use language that takes responsibility and is accountable.
Ask your partner to share their perception by asking open-ended questions. Avoid close-ended questions, questions that allow the responder to answer yes or no. It’s important to stay focused, connected, and attentive.
Another essential skill for effective communication is Reflective Listening. This means to repeat back what you heard, clarify anything you did not understand, and make sure to address feelings FIRST. When communicating we want to be heard, understood, valued, and seen. If you dive right into the solution your partner may be able to follow you but it will only address a portion of the problem. That is, your partner may reflect the words but not the meaning, therefore, losing connection. Neurobiology research indicates if we don’t calm (not ignore) our nervous system (emotions) first, we will be less effective in our ability to communicate clearly and accurately. Effective communication sounds like… “If I understand you correctly, I think you feel….”. It can also help to empathize with your partner’s perspective. Empathy does not mean agreement it means understanding and compassion.
Remember, there are three entities, you, your partner, and the relationship. What may be good for you or your partner may not be best for the relationship. This is why it’s important to use collaborative language. This allows the couple to turn toward instead of away from one another. Turning away can be identified by picking fights or avoiding them.
Keep the lines of communication open. So often I hear couples find the solution to a problem only to have the next problem be a repeat. Moving toward openness, vulnerability (safely, sometimes this needs to start in a counselling session), patience, tolerance, and acceptance help move toward more effective communication. An old saying, I like it, “mean what you say, say what you mean, and don’t say it mean”.
Finally, The Gottman’s have identified four destructive ways couples communicate and how to counteract them.