Couples and Communication Problems
SUE NOBLE, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
I’ll have to say, 95% of the couples that come to me for counselling say their communication is the problem. Clients say they feel angry, annoyed, hurt, frustrated and eventually hopeless. Communication is a vital ingredient in any relationship. Good communication can help you to understand each other, and good communication can help you to find solutions to problems. However, sometimes problems arise when your partner doesn’t agree with what you’re saying, or they have trouble understanding what you are trying to say.
Communication Breakdown
Communication breakdowns happen to all of us at one point or another.
Communication breakdowns are not always a bad thing. They might be the result of misunderstandings and miscommunications, which can be solved with more communication and better understanding between partners. It can be an opportunity to regroup, reflect, and address any issues that have been buried, avoided, or held as resentments. Conflict and be an opportunity for connecting.
How do you avoid communication breakdowns? The most important thing is to keep an open mind and an open heart when talking with your partner, don’t let anger cloud your judgment or make you say things that aren’t true (or mean). Just keep on trying until you figure it out!
If you’re having a hard time communicating with your partner, try talking about things that don’t require any deep emotional connection. For example, talk about what you did at work today or something funny that happened to you on the way home from work. This helps get some of the tension out before diving into more serious topics.
What is Reflective Listening
Reflective listening is a tool for improving communication. It’s not about agreeing, it’s about understanding. Reflective listening means that you listen to understand, not just hear what the speaker has to say. This may seem like an obvious point, but with all the distractions of modern life we often fail to be fully present in conversations with each other and this can lead to miscommunication and conflict.
When someone is talking it's easy for us all to quickly slip into our own thoughts and plans rather than really listening and hearing what they are saying. Reflective listening helps us become more focused on what others are really saying by making sure we hear them out before jumping in with our own opinions or suggestions (which may turn out not at all helpful). To do this correctly means paying close attention, paraphrasing and reflecting back as much detail as possible - everything from non-verbal cues such as facial expressions through to keywords spoken - so that you can truly understand where they are coming from rather than just hearing words which could mean different things depending on context or tone used at the time being spoken!
Expectations
We have all heard the saying “expectations are the root of all heartache,” but it’s also true that expectations can help you get what you want. In this case, there are many ways to set expectations when it comes to communication in your relationship. If a couple has a strong foundation and good communication skills, they will be able to handle conflicts appropriately and avoid conflict altogether by setting boundaries on topics they do not agree on or cannot compromise on.
Setting boundaries is important because sometimes there are things that we should not tolerate from our partner no matter how much love there is between them and us:
Sexual violence (physical/emotional)
Physical violence (physical/emotional)
Verbal abuse (name-calling, put-downs)
Couples Communication
If you feel that you and your partner are having communication problems, it is best to seek help from a professional. A trained counsellor can help you resolve many of the issues that may be causing misunderstandings between you.
When couples come together for counselling, they have the opportunity to talk about their relationship in an environment where both people feel safe and understood. This is an important starting point for any relationship, but even more so when there have been communication problems in the past. The counsellor will then help each person understand what their part has been in the breakdown of communication between them. Counselling couples will also discuss how they can improve these skills moving forward, allowing them both to put past problems behind them and build a stronger future together
Conclusion
Remember, it is important for couples to communicate openly and honestly with each other. There are various ways in which couples can improve their relationship by using reflective listening techniques. For example, if one partner feels that the other partner is not listening attentively enough or that they don’t care about what they have to say, then he/she may not be willing to talk openly about their feelings at all! However, if both parties work hard on improving their communication skills, then they will find that the trust between them builds up over time as well as leading towards fewer arguments overall (because we all know how annoying those can be!).