What Does it Mean to Hear Your Self-Compassionate Voice?
JYOTI GILL, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
What does it mean to hear your compassionate voice? I have found many a client respond to this question with “I don’t know”, or “I’ve never heard this voice before”. This is often the case when the dominant story of our lives is one where we are somehow not enough, unworthy, bad, or defective. Perhaps some of us did not experience this compassion in our childhood homes, or perhaps some of us learned this story through the painful experiences we had along the course of our lives. In any case, it is important that we learn to give ourselves compassion if we are going to heal and live more fulfilling lives. Latest research has shown that self-compassion is closely linked to better emotional, mental, and physical well-being (see Kristen Neff’s book, Self-compassion, the proven power of being kind to yourself or her Ted talk, The space between self-esteem and self-compassion).
Giving ourselves compassion does not mean living a life of self-pity, or self-indulgence. Often people are afraid that if they give themselves compassion, they will be letting themselves off the hook, or supporting self-destructive habits. Sure, once in a while we may grab some ice cream and curl up on the couch and feel bad for ourselves, or find ourselves drinking alcohol to numb the feelings, however these behaviours when continued over time can be quite destructive. Self-compassion however is the voice that tells us to treat our mind, and our bodies in a kind and loving manner. It is often the same voice we use to talk to our loved ones, yet, struggle when it comes to giving ourselves that kindness and love. You would never tell a friend when they were feeling low, that they just need to “suck it up”, “lose some weight”, “to not be weak”, or call them names like “ugly” or “stupid”, but if self-compassion is hard for us, we tend to use these very harsh words towards ourselves.
For those of you wondering where to begin, it can be as simple as asking yourself, “how would I treat a friend in the same situation?” Chances are that you will automatically come up with several compassionate statements that you can now direct to yourself. There may however be a voice that tells you that the friend may deserve this compassion but YOU don’t deserve it. This again is the inadequacy story we have been telling ourselves for a long time, so it’s important to challenge that by taking a step back and examining all of the evidence that supports this story, and all of the evidence that does not (see Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book The healing power of mindfulness). By taking stock as such, we are likely to come up with a more realistic belief about our worth.
I often tell clients that being compassionate to yourself is like working out a muscle in the gym that you have been neglecting. It will take some time to grow. However, the great thing about now paying attention to building this muscle is that you will start neglecting the self-rejection muscle that had been growing for years. With more attention to the self-compassion muscle, we are likely to see it grow and get stronger over time. In closing, I hope that we can all individually and collectively practice more self-compassion, creating more harmony and peace in our individual and collective world.