The Stress Response In Kids
Raelene Hurry, M.Ed., RCC ~ Surrey Therapist
Often we see behaviours in children that cause us to label them as bad, mean, difficult, explosive, stubborn, lazy, helpless, never listening, or avoidant. The list goes on and can cause us to feel frustrated, disrespected, angry, worried, exhausted, and confused.
What we know though is that all behaviour has meaning and comes from somewhere. I believe all children inherently want to do well, feel good about themselves, and that they do the best they can. So what could be getting in the way of their success, happiness, or relationships? Many things really! Whether or not their needs are being met, developmental challenges, temperament, attachment styles, stress, and trauma are just a few of the factors that may be causing specific behaviours. When it comes to stress, there is a lot of awareness about how commonly adults experience it, along with the impacts of stress on our health and well-being, but children are impacted by stress too!
Human Needs
First of all, it’s helpful to look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to understand what needs are being met or are unmet and how this could be contributing to stress in a child. The first level is Physiological Needs; are the child’s basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing being met? If not, they will experience a great deal of stress wondering when their next meal will be, where they may sleep or how they can dress themselves. The second level is Safety; is the child’s environment safe, and do they feel safe emotionally and physically? If they do not, they will be in a heightened state of stress. The third level is Love and Belonging; does the child feel connected, and have strong family relationships and friendships? This is an area in which children and youth are growing and developing throughout their formative years. The fourth level is Esteem; does the child feel a strong sense of self, respect, and a good reputation? The fifth level, often attributed to adults is Self-Actualization; have you recognized and accepted your true Self, have you reached your potential and experienced creativity? If the first two levels of Maslow’s hierarchy are unmet, children will certainly have increased stress. How resilient children are and how they are able to handle the impact of their unmet needs will vary depending on their genetics, personal history, environment, and situational context. Understanding this hierarchy of human needs helps us recognize underlying stressors that may be contributing to children’s behaviour.
Families
It’s not uncommon for adults to think that kids have it easy. The reality is that there are many factors that contribute to kids’ stress. Parents often overlook or don’t realize that whatever happens in the home environment impacts the child. For example, when parents are stressed themselves, even when they think they are hiding it from the kids, many children will experience vicarious stress because they feel the energy in the home, they worry about their parents or whatever issues are causing the stress, and/or they take the brunt of the parents’ stress-induced behaviours. When parents are struggling themselves and engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as drinking, substance use, or other addictive behaviours, this too causes children to feel unsafe resulting in anxiety and stress in the children, among other challenges.
Another common stressor in the home environment is sibling conflicts. As stressful as it can be for parents dealing with such conflicts, the children themselves don’t feel good about such interactions either, and this can carry on day after day, causing an accumulation of stress in the body over time. This sometimes also relates to feeling unsafe, level two of Maslow’s hierarchy.
School & Peer Relationships
Children and youth who attend school often experience multiple stressors in this environment. From academic pressures placed on them by themselves, parents, or teachers, to all of the social interactions they witness, engage in, or are influenced by during the day, it’s not surprising that many kids feel stressed. There is often a tremendous amount of energy required by students to ignore or manage other students’ sometimes explosive, unpredictable, or unkind behaviours, judgements, or comments, which can contribute to higher stress levels in students. Their need to feel safe (Level 2) may be affected, their ability to feel a sense of belonging (Level 3) or to develop a strong Esteem (Level 4) may be impacted. Of course, personality and temperament play a role in how sensitive a child is to their environment.
We must also consider the variety of stresses that result from being online, from bullying to peer pressures, to witnessing things they were not developmentally ready to see. They are connected 24-7 and often don’t get a break from the drama or social stressors.
Extracurricular activities, while often wondering if they are catered to a child’s interests, can also contribute to stress levels if children or youth feel overwhelmed with the amount of time they need to dedicate to their extracurricular activities or the pressures from coaches, parents, and themselves..
Children and youth are developing their ability to regulate their emotions, learn to have empathy and understanding for others, learn to be assertive and to problem solve when they have an issue, and learn to establish boundaries, all while figuring out who they are and how they belong in this world. All of that, on top of whatever may be going on for them personally, would be stressful and draining for anyone!
What does the Stress Response Look Like in Kids?
Now that we understand what may be causing stress in children and youth, we can talk about how it shows up in their behaviours. You may know that when we experience stress, our sympathetic nervous system kicks in and we may respond with a Fight, Flight, or Freeze response. We may call this our Protective Brain or our Alarm System. So what does that look like? (The following list comes from a lovely resource by WholeHearted School Counselling).
Fight Response
Yelling, Screaming, Using Mean Words
Physical aggression, hitting, kicking, throwing, biting
Argumentative, Defensive, Blaming, Non-compliant, Oppositional
Failing to take ownership/responsibility for something
Controlling/Demanding
Angry, Irritable, Irate
Moving toward the conflict
Flight Response
Running away, walking away, escaping
Moving away from what is threatening to them
Distracted, Can’t focus
Hyperactive, fidgeting, can’t sit still
Procrastination, avoiding, ignores the issue/situation
Preoccupied with everything but the Thing causing the response
Anxious, scared, worried, overwhelmed, panicky
Freeze Response
Unable to move, frozen, stuck
Desire to hide, isolate self
Shuts down
Difficulty with completing tasks, mind goes blank
Zones out, daydreaming
Say’s “I don’t know” often; verbally unresponsive
Depressed, numb, helpless, bored, apathetic
How to Help
If you recognize these behaviours in your child or one you care about, perhaps being curious about their levels of stress and considering what factors could be contributing to these behaviours will help you to understand their needs and struggles from a compassionate place. It can be helpful to teach children and youth about their nervous system, the alarm system in their Protective Brain, along with new ways to cope with feeling overwhelmed or triggered so they can get back to using their calm, Thinking Brain. Also, teaching children and youth how to develop and follow through with healthy habits to soothe their nervous system response early on in life, will help them manage stress throughout their lifetime.
https://wholeheartedschoolcounseling.com/
https://www.addictioncenter.com/alcohol/growing-up-alcoholic-parents-affects-children/
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/18/health/resilience-relationships-trauma.html
https://studiousguy.com/real-life-examples-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/