How Do Your Values Influence Your Happiness?
ASHLEY HEWER, MA, RCC - VITALITY COLLECTIVE CLINICAL COUNSELLOR (Surrey, BC)
Common themes I encounter in practice are people’s desire to figure out where their anxiety is coming from, why do they behave in certain ways in situations, or why are they feeling stuck when everything seems like it should be okay? I believe that at least part of the answers come from our values. People (me included) do not think about their values actively throughout the day. They may come up in important moments in life (choosing a partner, looking for a new job, attending school) but for the most part, they sit in our subconscious silently guiding us through life. Values contain really valuable information about who you are as a person, and what is most important to you and when experiencing something you perceive to be negative it's possible that it's not in alignment with your values. When we understand our values and are living and behaving in alignment with our values we are happier, calmer, and more comfortable with ourselves.
What are Values?
Values are our chosen beliefs; they are concepts that are really important and meaningful to us. They can guide how we feel, think, and behave, they can motivate us and inspire us, they help us to define what is important in our lives, and help to create meaning and understanding of situations and things around us. Our values are learned concepts that are created as children through our cultural, and family experiences. As we age our experiences in life help to reinforce, modify, or change our values.
The list of values can be endless, and your own personal perception of a value may differ from someone else’s. Some common values include Connection, Independence, Kindness, Respect, Safety, Equality, Freedom, Fun, and Humour. Russ Harris (2019) identified 6 key things to remember about personal values
Values are here and now
Values never have to be justified
Values often need to be prioritized
Values are best held lightly
Values are freely chosen
Values include self and others
What happens when we aren’t living our values?
The influence of our values contributes to every area of our lives on a daily basis. Not living in alignment with our values can create anxiety, depression, increased stress, and decreased satisfaction with our lives.
Consider the following example: A person has been at the same job for 5 years, at the time they got the job, they were excited, motivated to go to work, and found it really fulfilling. Over the past year, they have been dreading going into work but can’t figure out why, they have great hours that work for their life, and financially they are able to provide a stable life for themselves and their family. They have tried to just push through it but things don’t seem to be getting better. After a values exploration, we learn that self-growth and learning are two things that are really important to them. After reflecting on work and what has changed the person realizes that in the past couple of years there has not been an opportunity for learning or growth. This understanding now allows the person to seek out growth opportunities at their current job, explore new job opportunities, or explore how they can incorporate learning and self-growth in other areas of their life.
What does understanding our values help with?
Understanding our values can help us as individuals as well as our relationships with other people. Below are a few ways values exploration can help in our daily lives.
Increase Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence. By understanding what is important to you and why you can have a more confident understanding of who you are as a person. Confidence allows us to make decisions with more certainty.
Boundary Setting. Being aware of our values and understanding them allows us to set boundaries with purpose and meaning behind them.
Conflict Resolution. Conflict is rarely about the initial conflict. When we are frustrated or angry it is often because something goes against what we feel is important. By understanding our own values, we can explain ourselves better. We can also be curious about what is important to the other person to better understand their side of the conflict.
Anxiety Reduction. When we live in alignment with our values our bodies and minds are more at ease because we are more comfortable. It is impossible to avoid all situations and people who aren’t in alignment with values, but by understanding our own we can realize when these occur and understand our anxiety which can make it more manageable in the situation.
Creating Motivation. Our values are helpful motivators when we realize we want to make a change. They can inspire us to take action and change behaviours we don’t believe to be beneficial for ourselves.
It’s important to remember that our values can change with our experiences throughout life. Perhaps in your mid 20’s your career and work were really important to you, but as you have gotten older and started a family you have realized that balance and work-life balance is now more important to you. Maybe you grew up going to religious services every week, but you are now questioning your beliefs. Exploring the change in values can help us in our personal growth and self-discovery, giving us a space to acknowledge and explore who we were, who we are now, and who our ideal self is.
References
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Second Edition). New Harbinger Publications.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/envy/201612/values-101