Self-Criticism: The Voice of Shame
SUE NOBLE, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
SHAME, in my experience, is the least talked about but one of the most powerful emotions we all feel. Shame is the feeling of humiliation or embarrassment when we have done something or have perceived to have done something wrong, immoral, improper, or dishonest. It’s an emotion that has allowed humanity to survive. It is also a very painful emotion. We are motivated to act because of our emotional state. So, then, how does shame influence our actions, where does it come from, and how can we better manage this emotion? How can you identify when it’s moved from an adaptive, helpful emotion to a maladaptive, destructive emotion? It is painful and can negatively affect our well-being as well as our relationships.
Origins of Shame
Don’t get shame wrong, it has a purpose; it keeps us connected to our family, tribe, and peeps. It’s the social mediator of acceptable behaviour. Shame lets us know when we’ve stepped outside of our accepted cultural norms. It is a universal emotion, found in all cultures - not all emotions are.
Shame, as a maladaptive emotion is complex and painful, fuelled by self-criticism, obsessive rumination, and condemning imagery. We recoil from our own experiences of shame; as well, it is often difficult to be in the presence of another when they’re feeling ashamed. We want to diminish or minimize it, scold it, reject it, be patronizing toward it, or even refuse it. We’ll go to great lengths to escape the pain of shame. Shame also binds with other emotions like sadness, fear, anger, disgust, and joy. Shame is different than guilt; as John Bradshaw says "Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good."(A.Brandt, 2016).
TOXIC SHAME is a chronic feeling of worthlessness or at the least a feeling that you’re not good enough. This type of shame typically originates in childhood or during your teens. “It happens when other people treat you poorly [criticize you] and you turn that treatment into a belief about yourself.” (WebMD). Thus, the origins of self-criticism and shame are often the internalization of another’s treatment of you.
Manifestations of Shame
Shame can be identified both internally and externally. Since shame’s an emotion that developed to keep us safe (we need each other to survive), it is experienced both psychologically and socially. Internal shame sounds like: I’m not good enough, who do you think you are, I don’t need you anyway. Your internal critic is likely very good at shaming you. Years ago, my friend was helping my mother and I paint the interior of my home. My mother was talking to herself - “Oh Mary, you’re so stupid, why did you do that…!” My friend turned to her and said, “Please don’t talk to my friend’s mother that way.” A clear illustration, I think, that we can treat ourselves with less respect and compassion than we do others. Consistent self-criticism can lead to low self-esteem (feeling of unworthiness) and behaviours that reinforce that self-image.
Feeling trapped and overwhelmed is the result of a negative evaluation of yourself (shame). We tend to, if we’ve not been provided ways to identify and manage this emotion, become defensive or angry, as well, we will try to deny our shameful behaviour or avoid the topic. Just to make a note here, shame can be real or perceived. If you have developed toxic shame, it is likely you perceive and or experience a lot of things as shameful, when they may not be. Unhealthy or toxic shame can manifest into depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance misuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, sexual dysfunction, and suicidal ideation (IResearch Net). Needless to say, shame is a very powerful and avoided emotion in Western society. As the saying goes “whatever you resist will persist”, meaning the more you avoid shame the more it will manifest in disruptive and harmful ways.
Treating Shame
As mentioned, deflecting, avoiding, or getting angry are ineffective and unhealthy ways to deal with or treat shame. Managing shame in a helpful and healthy way includes self-compassion, forgiveness, empathy, and sharing the event with a trusted other. Contrary to what shame and self-criticism tell you sharing your shame, with a safe person (to you), can help heal the rupture. It can also help you through the damaging beliefs that developed from the original shaming experience. Brene Brown says the antidote to shame is empathy. I have experienced, both personally and as a counsellor, shame to be intolerant and impatient and empathy to be tolerant and patient.
I find the struggle is to identify shame, as we move past it so quickly. If you don’t attend to it, you will address a whole host of other issues, emotions, and actions that continue a perpetual spiral of negative self-evaluation. If you can be patient, tolerant, forgiving, have empathy for, and listen to another’s story, you can turn those qualities onto yourself and experience the release of unhealthy shame.
References
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sonnet-freud/202009/the-psychology-shame
Is Your Anger a Cover for Shame? | Psychology Today
www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-toxic-shame