Emotional Armour
MEGAN DAVIES, MA, REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR - VITALITY COLLECTIVE VANCOUVER THERAPIST
“The participants who struggled the most with numbing… explained that reducing anxiety meant finding ways to numb it, not changing the thinking, behaviours, or emotions that created anxiety. I hated every minute of the research. I’ve always looked for better ways to manage my exhaustion and anxiety. I wanted help ‘living like this,’ not suggestions on how to ‘stop living like this.’” – Dr. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
While reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, a line stuck out to me describing the irony of vulnerability – “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.” I was hit by the truth in this statement. Vulnerability feels risky. We protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable, yet there is a longing to have the type of relationship that fosters vulnerability.
As a small child, you were likely open and free, sharing all of yourself with others. As you grew and matured, however, you may have learned that the world can be a very painful place. You learned that not everyone is on your side, and not all situations are going to go your way. You may have adapted to making yourself small from growing up in a chaotic and loud environment, or you may have learned to not share your feelings because nobody listened. The deepest wounds often come from childhood. They can affect the way people see the world, themselves, and their relationships. They can shape the expectations people have of themselves and others, and what they think they deserve. They can also affect the way they move through the world, their nervous system, and their brain. We adapt, to protect ourselves. We learn from that time we put our heart on the line and were rejected, to build walls around our heart. We may convince ourselves that we never really loved the person who hurt us anyways and become fluent in the art of denial, so we don’t feel the pain of rejection and abandonment. So, wouldn’t it make sense, that we would put on armour to protect ourselves from being hurt? But I ask you this, is our armour on to protect us from past wounds? Is your armour protecting you, or hurting you?
What is Vulnerability Armour?
Armour is the protective wrap we put around ourselves to stop the things that have hurt us before from ever hurting us again. It isn’t a bad thing, we all have it and we all need it, but the tougher and tighter the armour, the harder it is to connect, feel loved, and give love. Our armour allows us to move through the world while keeping people at a distance and protecting ourselves from ever having what’s happened before, happen again. Rationally, it makes a lot of sense, but emotionally, it sounds really lonely. There comes a point where our efforts to protect ourselves can become destructive and cause us to miss the opportunity for profound relational experiences. Building walls around your heart creates a safe space into which you can retreat quickly, but it also blocks the flow of love in both directions and the fear of vulnerability often leads people to inadvertently cause pain to others. People with this fear often become “distancers,” using methods to keep others at arm’s length. When we have a fear of being hurt or abandoned by others, we often don’t allow people in, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, because people may leave, which then confirms the belief within ourselves that people abandon us so we shouldn’t let people get close to us. Our past or fear of having something from the past happen again often leaves us in a cycle of desperately craving connection and love so we feel worthy, but at the same time, extremely terrified of being vulnerable and experiencing emotional pain. The irony is real.
Shame and Disconnection
Shame is a major reason why people don’t want to be vulnerable. We really don’t want to feel like people are looking down on us for our mistakes when we already look down on ourselves for our mistakes. Brene Brown said, “Connection is why we are here, it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, means I won’t be worthy of connection?” In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
Removing your Emotional Armour
The first step to taking off your emotional armour is a connection with yourself. Our armour protects us from connecting to the outside world, but it also prevents us from connecting with ourselves. The journey begins with unveiling and understanding where the fear is rooted and learning to forgive ourselves and show ourselves self-compassion for past decisions and outcomes. We can never shame ourselves into changing, when looking back at past decisions and choices, I encourage you to consider seeing yourselves through the lens of compassion. At that time, you were doing your best, with the tools and support you had.