Making Space for Our Adult Selves
KATE MALONE, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
VANCOUVER THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
Can you recognize your adult self?
Is there a time when you feel the most like “yourself”? Or moments when you have stayed calm, even in a stressful situation? Is there an environment or activity where you feel confident and self-assured? This might be your adult self!
The adult self and parts work
Parts work is an approach to therapy that sees every individual as a system of different parts of the self. We all develop different parts of ourselves that help us cope with overwhelming situations. You may be familiar with your inner child, a young emotional part of us who reacts when it feels threatened. Or you may have an inner critic, a harsh and judgemental part who tries to protect you with its scrutiny. Another crucial aspect of parts work is getting in touch with our adult selves.
What is the adult self?
The adult self is the part of us that responds to life calmly, as opposed to our younger parts who react to situations and emotions that arise. Where younger parts might lash out at others, berate us, or avoid addressing issues altogether, our adult self responds differently. When our adult self is present, we have the capacity to pause, acknowledge our experience, see the big picture of what is going on, and have trust in our capacity to get through life’s challenges. Every one of us has an adult self, sometimes known as our wise self, or authentic self. Some may be more familiar with this part, for others, it may be less recognizable.
The qualities of the adult self
The adult self has certain qualities that alert us to its presence, also known as the “8 C’s”:
Calmness - the adult self can react to difficult emotions and situations in less extreme ways, from a place of groundedness.
Compassion - the adult self is able to have empathy and understanding for others, as well as the parts of ourselves that we may want to change.
Courage - the adult self can self-reflect and is willing to lean into emotion knowing it may be painful but ultimately is healing.
Curiosity - the adult self is non-judgmental and wants to learn about their internal world and experiences.
Clarity - the adult self can remain objective rather than be distorted by emotions or reactions
Creativity - the adult self can generate new ideas and find solutions to problems
Confidence - the adult self feels capable of handling challenging situations and believes that they have the ability to make it through
Connection - The adult self can relax in relationships with others, is unafraid of being judged, and is willing to repair misunderstandings
Exercise - How to recognize your adult self.
Consider the 8 C’s of the adult self. Think about a time - even if it was just a brief moment when you embodied some of these qualities. Were you alone, or with someone in particular? Were you at work, at home, out in nature? Is there a certain skill you have where these qualities tend to show up? Visualize yourself in this situation. Notice how this feels in your body. Often our adult selves will sit up taller, our breathing might be deeper, and our bodies more relaxed. What are the sensations that can alert you to when your adult self is present? Take a moment to notice what it’s like inside.
We can all recognize how it feels when we are the best version of ourselves. Younger, protective parts develop through earlier experiences and can create barriers for us to access this inner wisdom. Remembering that there is an adult part inside of us can give us perspective when younger parts are triggered and we feel far away from this calm and confident version of ourselves.
How do I find the adult self?
So, you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling upset, overwhelmed, and are struggling to cope in the ways you want to. The adult self feels like a nice idea but is nowhere to be found. How do we get back in touch with our adult selves in moments of stress?
A good starting point for welcoming back the adult self is to create some distance between you and what you are feeling. Recognizing that we have multitudes to us is a reminder to our system that while one part may be feeling overwhelmed, there is also a part of us who can stay calm.
Exercise:
Think of a situation that you are currently struggling with. Recognize what feelings are present about the situation.
Now, try saying, “I am feeling ____''.
Next, try saying, “a part of me is feeling ____”.
What do you notice? Which way of addressing your feelings felt better or worse? Did anything change about how you feel about yourself, or about the situation?
Often, when we can separate ourselves from what we are feeling, this creates space for the wiser, more objective adult self to come forward. Rather than self-blame and frustration, the adult self can bring a calm and compassionate perspective to our struggles.
Re-parenting
Ultimately, as we get in touch with this adult self we are developing our capacity to re-parent ourselves. Often younger parts develop through experiences where we didn’t receive the parenting and guidance we needed to make sense of an overwhelming situation. Now, our adult selves can be that guide. This calm, compassionate, connected part of ourselves is just what these younger parts need to feel understood and to feel safe.
Work with a therapist to learn more about the different parts of yourself, and to help get in touch with the adult self inside!
https://www.pesi.com/blog/details/1511/6-step-ifs-process-to-jumpstart-healing