The Truth About Perfectionism
Raelene Hurry, M.Ed., RCC, Vitality Collective, Surrey Therapist
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” ~Brene BrowN
Brene Brown is well known as the researcher, storyteller, and author, who has devoted years of her life to studying vulnerability, shame, courage and empathy. Her work has helped many people learn to live authentically, connect in relationships, be great leaders, and dust themselves off and keep going even when things are hard.
I could not pretend to write about perfectionism as eloquently as someone who has poured her heart and soul into studying it for decades, but what I can do is share her wisdom. According to Brene, “perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought “If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, or shame”.”
Do you find yourself needing to be perfect? Have flawless skin? Wear just the right clothes? Have a certain body type? Say just the right thing? Execute your work without a single error? Achieve 100% on a test or in a course? Ensure your house is spotless and perfectly organized? Reach unattainable goals?
If so, have you really asked yourself WHY? What does it mean if you don’t achieve such unrealistic perfection? Do you feel less than someone else? If so, what drives the need to compare yourself to others? Do you feel worthless? Or inadequate? Do you believe you are undeserving? Do you feel ashamed? What is the root of these feelings and beliefs?
Perfectionism is typically about trying to affect how others perceive you and this is something you cannot control. You have no power over what others think or do. As humans, we strive to seek affirmation, validation, acceptance and connection and when the things we do result in these things (praise for perfect grades or perfect performance, or validation from someone we love and need, like a parent or a group of friends), we become driven to continue to meet those needs, especially if those needs are not being met in other ways, or we have grown up in a highly critical home with high expectations.
Of course, praise is not bad, nor is striving to achieve goals, but we need to recognize that perfection need not be the goal; try celebrating effort, perseverance, growth, purpose, and intention instead. When we are not rewarded with praise and we are instead met with judgment, ridicule, or blame that results in shame, we believe it is because we were not good enough, which reinforces this faulty belief about perfection and sets us up for more shame, blame, and judgment (towards ourselves). You see, it's a vicious cycle that contributes to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacies. It is critical we counter those faulty beliefs and challenge those thought patterns.
Perfectionism can negatively affect your mental health, contributing to anxiety, depression, suicidality, eating disorders, and premature death. It is linked to chronic stress and can contribute to poor physical health, such as high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease.
How to Tackle Perfectionism
Through a lens of self-compassion, we can learn to accept ourselves as we are. Although it can be really scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable, when we allow others to see our true selves, our imperfect selves, they have a window into who we are as individuals. This opens the space for empathy and human connection, creating better relationships, and dismantling shame. When we can learn to embrace our imperfections, we can learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and unnecessary stress. “Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders we are all in this together” (Brene Brown).
We have to let go of what other people think, and in the words of Brene, choose to show up and be seen. It is a choice. Being authentic requires you to be vulnerable and if you wish to rid yourself of toxic perfectionism, you need to be willing and able to make that choice day after day. It is hard work to examine the true motivations behind your perfectionism, examine your unmet needs, challenge yourself and your faulty beliefs, and allow others to see your imperfections. As Brene says, “vulnerability is not weakness, it is our most accurate measure of courage” and it is “at the core, the center, of meaningful human experiences”.
If you need support working on your perfectionism, a counsellor can help you ask yourself the questions you may be unable to ask yourself, uncover what is driving the perfectionism, offer another perspective, and support you on your journey to embracing vulnerability and authenticity.
https://www.thegrowthfaculty.com/blog/4destructivetraitsofperfectionismfromDrBrenBrown
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/brene-brown-daring-greatly-perfectionism-oprah_n_3468501
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323323#What-exactly-is-perfectionism?