Putting Yourself First and Learning to Prioritize Your Needs
KATE MALONE, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
VANCOUVER THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
One of the most important things we can do for our well-being is to put ourselves first. Many people may have a strong reaction to this idea - isn’t that selfish? Actually, no! Putting yourself first doesn’t mean you aren’t considering others. Putting yourself first means being aware of and meeting your emotional needs, while also being mindful of not doing harm to others. It is a practice of taking care of yourself. When we are feeling taken care of, we can bring our most authentic and genuine selves to our relationships with others. By doing so, you may find that you show up as a better friend, partner, or family member. It’s a win-win!
Read on to find out more about why this can be a hard thing to do, and what to consider in starting to make this shift.
What are some signs that I struggle to put myself first?
Feeling burnt out from helping and doing things for others
Feeling resentful of others not meeting your needs
Feeling responsible for others' emotions
People pleasing and fear of conflict
Trouble saying no or setting boundaries
What do we mean by “needs” exactly?
Most of us understand that we need to make sure we meet our physical needs - like food, water, and sleep. But emotional needs are just as important, often go unnoticed, and play a big role in our well-being.
Emotions are the messengers of our needs. Just like thirst or hunger- sadness, anger, fear, and other emotions are sending us messages as to what we need to feel balanced. Anger might be telling us that we need to set a boundary. Sadness might be telling us that we need to seek comfort. Fear might be telling us to avoid a situation that feels unsafe. Emotional needs are unique and individual to each person. When we listen to our emotions and learn to meet the underlying needs in an appropriate way, we feel at peace.
Why can putting yourself first be so hard?
Problems arise around our emotional needs when we feel that they may interfere with the needs of others. Think about how you might feel in these scenarios:
Your friend asks you to drive her to the airport - but you had a busy day and were looking forward to getting comfy on the couch.
Your partner keeps leaving their dishes around the house, but you know they might get upset if they feel criticized by you.
A coworker makes an insensitive comment. You feel hurt, but don’t want to say anything in case they feel guilty or it gets uncomfortable.
These are all examples where we may put someone else’s emotional needs before our own. Once in a while, this can be fine, but over time, these small self-sacrifices can have big consequences on the relationship we have with ourselves.
Why is it so hard to put my needs first?
Guilt and discomfort in putting yourself first. It is very common to feel guilty when you have to let someone else down in order to meet your own needs. This is your internal compass saying, “this feels wrong!” Discomfort with conflict or fear of a negative reaction from others is a common reason we may tend to put others before ourselves.
Difficulty listening to what your needs are. If you are used to paying attention to what others are needing or feeling, you might have lost touch with your own needs. When you are around others - are you aware of what your internal experience is?
Familial or cultural norms. People with certain identities, such as women and femmes, may be praised for being kind, generous, or selfless. Other individuals may have taken on that role in the family, being celebrated as the “easy child” or “mature for their age”. If we take a closer look, those roles also involve learning to ignore your needs for the sake of others.
Previous experiences of not having your needs respected. If you had early relationships where your needs were not met, or where your boundaries were not respected, it may feel scary to voice your needs. It may be hard to trust that anyone will respect them in the future. Putting others first has been a way to stay safe and avoid that hurt.
Where can I start?
Begin with self-compassion. In any journey of self-exploration, it’s important that we do so with a sense of compassion for why we got here. A part of you learned that putting others’ needs first was, at some point, what you needed to survive. There is always a reason behind everything we do, even the habits we are trying to change.
Start to listen. Pay attention to what is going on inside yourself. What emotions are you noticing arising? What kinds of sensations are you feeling in your body? How do you feel when you are around different people in your life? The more we listen, the more in touch we are with our emotional needs.
Address guilt. Guilt tells us we are doing something wrong. We want to switch that mindset - as long as we aren’t harming anyone, there is nothing wrong with putting ourselves first. Others are responsible for their own well-being, not you. You may want to offer some comfort to the part of you that feels guilty. Tell this part that you understand, but that you aren’t doing anything wrong.
Set boundaries and ask for what you need. A good way to start this practice is with a friend or partner who knows about your journey and feels like a safe person to practice with. Have a conversation about wanting to get more comfortable asking for what you need and setting boundaries. Let them know you might be speaking up a bit more than usual.
Support yourself. Your needs are important - just as important as anyone else’s. When someone doesn’t show respect for your needs, take that as information about them, not about you. This journey of learning to listen to your own needs sometimes involves evaluating the types of people who feel good to have in your life.