What To Do When Life Throws You a Curveball - How to Cope
ASHLEY HEWER, MA, RCC - VITALITY COLLECTIVE CLINICAL COUNSELLOR (SURREY, BC)
We have all been there…
We have created a plan and it’s going along okay when all of a sudden, the unexpected happens- the proverbial curve ball. There are different levels of unexpected events, it can range from losing your job or getting a health diagnosis, to having a friend cancel plans last minute, to not being able to find the shoes you want to wear with a specific outfit. How we handle these curve balls ranges as well, but is not necessarily dependent on the issue, rather our current stress and anxiety levels, the importance level we have placed on a certain event and the perceived level of impact it has on our future.
Events that will have a direct impact on our safety, security, finances, and family members are challenging to manage. Some examples of these events can be losing a job, having to move, receiving a health diagnosis, or separation or divorce. We often don’t have a lot of experience with these big events, and in some cases, we have never experienced them. This can make it even scarier as we do not have past experiences to draw from and see that we can in fact manage and move forward. Some common feelings you may experience include anger, anxiety, increase stress, depression, and grief.
Unexpected events that impact our day or week can often be challenging at the moment. These events are often more challenging when we are already in a heightened emotional state. For example, not being able to find your shoes when you are getting ready for a job interview or having your plans for the week change for example having a meeting change at work, or a friend you were looking forward to seeing cancel plans can be frustrating. Sometimes we may become frustrated due to an underlying issue, ie: being anxious or nervous about the interview.
Helpful Tips to Help Manage the Unexpected:
Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Have you ever told yourself or someone else not to panic in an initial moment of an unexpected event? It rarely ever works and in fact, can increase the panic. When we are in a heightened state of anxiety, fear, stress or anger, our brain is not able to make decisions, communicate well, or think with our rational mind. Giving space to feel the feelings allows them to flow through as they come.
Deep breathing. Sit down or go for a walk away from the situation and practice some deep breathing. Breath in for 4 seconds and out for 4 seconds. This helps our nervous system regulate and can bring us back to a calmer state allowing us to think more clearly.
Focus on what you have control of at that moment. What do you need right now that would be helpful? This allows us to connect back to the present moment and address immediate needs.
Connect with a support system. Let them know what you need from them, do you need someone just to listen, do you need someone to help you to problem solve, or do you need a hug and reassurance?
Practice gratitude. Although you may feel like nothing is going right, gratitude is a good reminder that there are good things in life and that our lives are not just one aspect.
After time has passed it can be helpful to reflect on the event and how you experience experienced the event. Reflection allows us to understand ourselves better. When we are able to reflect, we can see how we were able to work through the event, what was helpful and what wasn’t, we may realize that although the event seemed negative at the time it opened up a door to something even better. Reflection around how you experienced the event as well as other unexpected events can help identify how we typically cope in scenarios. How we handle smaller events can be an indicator of how we will handle larger events.
Unexpected events often mean there will be something that needs to change. Change can be a scary thing, especially the big changes. For a lot of people, even small changes in their day-to-day life can increase anxiety and stress. When change comes from a source that is out of our control it can be even harder. Knowing what to expect and planning gives a sense of control and an understanding of how the week will go, we feel prepared and less stressed and anxious. However, it is important to have the ability to go with the flow and have flexibility when something we had planned has changed. The ability to acknowledge what we have control over vs what we don’t, can help us to let things go easier. Some indications that you are struggling with control, anxiety, and/or stress can include trying to control small things like when someone else does the dishes, taking on most tasks than you can reasonably handle, overthinking what needs to happen vs what is happening right now.
If you notice that you are having a hard time coping with unexpected events, change, or letting go of control please reach out to a Registered Clinical Counsellor. Together you can work towards developing coping mechanisms, and/or understanding yourself and the reasons behind your big emotions.