How to Understand & Befriend Anger
Melissa Drabbant, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
Many people did not grow up in a home where anger was modelled well or treated as a normal, valuable emotion. For that reason, allowing ourselves to feel anger or express it in adaptive ways can be quite challenging. Many of us push it down or away, while others feel calm until they emotionally explode in the presence of their parents, friends, or partners. Society itself appears to have its own opinions and restrictions regarding this particular emotion. In social settings, anger can be viewed as scary, uncomfortable, or inappropriate. Sometimes, anger can even be viewed as more of a “masculine” emotion, further prohibiting anyone from expressing it. We all carry certain beliefs around the emotion of anger, some we learned from the world around us and some we taught ourselves.
*I would like to disclaim that I am not condoning every behaviour/reaction that anger may fuel. I’d like to separate the emotion itself from violent or aggressive behaviours that cause harm to oneself or others, which can sometimes result from unprocessed traumas and/or prolonged dysregulation of the nervous system. If this is your experience with anger, I’d like to offer you much compassion here and encourage you to seek some support from a skilled trauma therapist or group therapy setting.
What is Anger Trying to Tell Us?
When anger arises, it can mean that there has been a violation of some sort, likely regarding a boundary or a value of ours. It can also surface as a response to unmet needs in our relationships and lifestyles. Sometimes, anger can be a result of pent-up emotion from the past if we were unable to safely express it in our environments. Anger can also signal that we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone else we care about. Often, the tendency of anger is to assert oneself or take action. You also may have noticed that there is a vibrating and visceral energy in your body when you feel angry. Or, you may have observed someone else's body language to have a frequency that feels potent and visible. An example of this could be a raised voice, pacing around, or clenched fists.
So, we now know why anger could be surfacing and how it might reveal itself, but what is it trying to communicate about us or the world around us? What does this emotion want us to know about it and what is happening inside of us?
Anger may be telling us something along the lines of: “This isn’t fair!” “I am being taken advantage of.” “My needs are not being met.” According to psychotherapist and a pioneer of family therapy, Virginia Satir, there may be several emotions lying beneath the surface of our anger as well. Anger reveals further complexity in that it can be attached to other emotions such as shame, fear, contempt, jealousy, insecurity, grief, embarrassment, loneliness, sadness, disappointment, etc.
Anger as an Important Emotion
While anger is sometimes (often) moralized as a “bad” or “negative” emotion, it is just as important as any emotion we have! This brings up the issue of moralizing emotions in general, something that can inhibit connection with ourselves and others. It also prohibits us from processing our emotions and integrating them into our life experiences in general. Emotions are emotions! Some are pleasant to feel, while others are more challenging or uncomfortable. But difficult or unpleasant emotions in and of themselves are not “bad” or wrong”. They are just emotions. They are neutral, and they make us human, regardless of how we feel when we are experiencing them.
From a biological standpoint, we need anger. The American Psychological Association describes anger as “a natural, adaptive response to threats… which allow[s] us to fight and defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.” While we have evolved and may no longer be fighting off wild animals or rivalries daily, we still need anger. Anger can mobilize our bodies us for action in times of real, imminent danger. Anger can powerfully motivate us to advocate for our communities and those marginalized in society. Anger signals us to take space or create boundaries when what we value has been disrespected. Beyond that, anger is an emotion that we experience as human beings, and therefore, has a right to be safely expressed, acknowledged, and validated.
Befriending Anger
Instead of suppressing (pushing down or away from consciousness) or expressing it in unhelpful ways, what if we befriended our anger? What if we got to know it better so that we could understand what it needs for us, and in turn, process and integrate it into our daily experiences? The term befriending comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. The idea, in short, is that if we can befriend our emotions (or parts), we can begin to decrease some of the intensity and pain that they hold. We can befriend our emotions in various ways:
Acknowledging their presence: “I feel angry.” “I feel so mad right now!”
Validating them: “It’s okay to feel angry.” “It makes sense that I feel angry.” “I understand.”
Getting curious and exploring them: What happened right before I felt angry? Where does it hurt?
Expressing them: in safe, adaptive, and helpful ways (see ideas below).
Comforting them: Asking yourself (and the emotion) what it might need or what it is asking for from you. This could be a hug (self or other), leaving the space you’re in, taking some deep breaths, etc.
Some Adaptive Ways to Release and Express Anger:
Movement, exercise, sports, etc.
Talking to someone you trust and getting curious about your experience together
Squeezing or hitting a pillow
Ripping up paper or popping bubble wrap
Scribbling on paper
Yelling in the car or into a pillow
Pushing against a wall (wall push)
Writing a letter to someone about how you feel (without sending it)
Deep breathing
Progressive muscle relaxation
Journaling or writing down how you are feeling
References
https://www.workplacestrategiesformentalhealth.com/resources/the-functions-of-emotions
https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control#:~:text=Anger%20is%20a%20natural%2C%20adaptive,is%20necessary%20to%20our%20survival.
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/anger-iceberg
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/