How to Let Go of Control
JYOTI GILL, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE
SURRY THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
What exactly does it mean to “go with the flow”? Many of us have likely heard this saying at least once in our lifetimes, maybe someone has said it to us at a time when we’re worried about the outcome of a relationship, a job interview, or a final exam; or we’re the ones who have said it to our loved ones when trying to ease their anxiety around whatever it is they are worried about. And while it is most definitely much easier said than done, there is merit in contemplating this well-meaning advice.
It is human nature to worry…
about anything that feels uncertain to us, especially when there are corresponding thoughts or beliefs that we have that make us expect the worst-case scenario. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) helps us to identify what these beliefs are and challenge them based on evidence contrary to these “unrealistic or distorted” beliefs, in order to help regulate our emotions. For instance, if my belief is “something bad always happens”, I will be expecting something bad to happen when waiting for the outcome of something that is important to me. If however, I challenge that belief and in investigating the evidence realize that in fact, there have been times when something good has happened, that negates the distorted belief that we hold to be true. This exercise has often been helpful for people who have many of these beliefs, and with continued practice, they are able to create more realistic beliefs and balanced thinking.
Having challenged some of these limiting thoughts, we may come face to face with our anxiety or fear of uncertainty. We live in uncertain times today, especially since the occurrence of COVID. What people knew to be comfortable and familiar was challenged radically, and as a collective, we had to navigate the uncertainty of a world in which diseases like COVID exist. This amplified people’s anxiety and depression, and many people are still recovering from the impacts of this. “Going with the flow” or letting go of control isn’t a passive resignation to how life is, it is a conscious acceptance of life as uncertain, and then managing our fears and anxieties to allow to experience to unfold as it will. This means that people can still take measures to safeguard against possible negative outcomes while accepting that certain things are not in their control and trying to let go of that control.
Stephen Covey, an American author, explored this need for control in his work “Circle of Influence”. He asked people to make a large circle listing all of the things that concerned them titled ‘circle of concern’, examples, people’s judgments, conflict with a partner, COVID, finances, etc. And then draw a smaller circle inside titled ‘circle of influence’ in which people listed the ways in which they had influence over their concerns, for example, family and work relationships, your bubble of people to protect against COVID, etc. And then finally, he asked to draw an even smaller circle inside titled ‘circle of control’, in which people listed things that are directly in their control, examples, attitude, behaviours, and how they respond to others, etc. Describing your concerns around the uncertainty in your life in this way can help you to become clear about what exactly is in your control, vs. what are things you can influence, and what are things that you absolutely have no control over.
It’s also helpful to understand that you are not alone when confronted with the fear of uncertainty. Unfortunately, extreme optimism and positivity have sometimes led to the shaming or avoidance of negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, worry, etc. These negative emotions are just as valid as the positive emotions that we feel. People tend to find the most relief in accepting all of our emotions, positive or negative, with a sense of compassion, instead of avoiding the negative ones. It is much easier for people to deal with uncertainty and let go of control when they accept that they are not defective, wrong, or flawed for feeling the negative emotions related to uncertainty in the first place.
I recommend watching ‘Stutz’ directed by American actor, Jonah Hill as it is a great documentary that explores these concepts of uncertainty, control, and happiness; and lets the viewer know that they are not alone in their experiences of uncertainty. Having conversations with trusted supports like friends, family, and therapists, can also help people feel a sense of common humanity which helps counteract the isolation people tend to feel when struggling with something.
For those of us who are accustomed to feeling a sense of control over our lives, it may be a little harder to loosen that grip of control that is a result of some of our suffering; but it is still a worthwhile endeavour as the radical acceptance of the things we cannot control can free up space in our minds and lives to tend to things that matter to us.
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