Co-Regulation Across the Lifespan and it’s Role in Trauma Treatment
Raelene Hurry, M.Ed., RCC, Surrey Therapist
From the moment babies enter the world, they need a supportive, caring, helpful caregiver who is able to attend to their needs and soothe them when they are distressed. When the baby cries, the caregiver will notice they have a problem and seek to help solve that problem. Does the diaper need to be changed? Is the baby hungry or tired? Is the baby scared or lonely? Does gently rocking the baby help? When the caregiver takes action to help soothe the baby’s distress, they are helping the baby regulate; this is known as co-regulation.
As human beings, our nervous systems are able to detect safety in one another. Let’s say a child is scared of a loud noise and the parent calmly responds by letting the child know it was just the sound of ___(a car horn, something falling, etc…) then hugs them and shows them what made the sound. The child then responds to how calm the parent is and finds safety in their comfort and might even become curious about the noise. If the parent is as scared as the child and begins crying or yelling, the child will also escalate in their reaction. A dysregulated parent leads to a dysregulated child. Parents can learn a lot from firefighters. If a firefighter came to save you from a fire and upon seeing your distress, they started screaming and not thinking clearly, they certainly wouldn’t be helping calm you or get you to safety. If we see our child’s intense emotions as the fire, our best chance at putting the fire out happens when we act as the firefighter, calm and clear-headed.
As children grow, they experience big emotions and frustrations, which often result in temper tantrums and large emotional reactions. We have probably all seen a toddler screaming and crying in the grocery store because they were not allowed a candy bar at the till or maybe they had just discovered a favourite toy and another child took it from them. Regardless of the reason for the big emotion, children need a reliable adult to be attuned to their needs, empathize with their situation, and help them through their emotions. When this happens, children find safety and security with this guardian, learn to trust others, learn effective coping skills through the guidance of loved ones, and begin to learn how to regulate their emotions, thoughts, and actions on their own (self-regulation).
As social beings, we all need others to help us regulate at times; when we experience stressful or upsetting events, we often turn to a friend or loved one to talk us through it, or to embrace us with a loving hug that helps calm our nervous system and lets us know we are not alone. This connection to others is important and helpful; however, we want to be capable of handling smaller daily stresses on our own as well.
If our early experiences included the calm support of others, we are better able to regulate on our own as we grow and develop. Self-regulation is critical for human development because it teaches people to calm themselves when upset with others, listen to others, problem solve peacefully, help others with their emotions, and persevere through challenging situations instead of giving up, being reactive, or allowing emotions to drive their lives.
Unfortunately, not everyone experiences relationships that are attuned, calm, caring, and safe. When people have experienced childhood trauma, they may have learned that they were not safe for any number of reasons, their nervous systems may be dysregulated, they may be stuck in a pattern of fighting, fleeing, or freezing when stressed, and they may lack problem-solving skills and empathy for others, and they may become overwhelmed with emotion, or engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms in an attempt to regulate themselves. Such coping mechanisms may include things like developing a pattern of avoiding or attacking others or turning to food, social media, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, or other addictive behaviours to soothe them.
This is where counselling can help. Through a positive therapeutic relationship, the counsellor becomes a trusted other who helps to co-regulate the client. The counsellor uses their own nervous system, tone of voice, body language, presence, empathy, and connection to help the client work through their emotions and experience physical and emotional safety, thereby building tolerance and increasing the client’s capacity to self-regulate in healthy ways. With a greater ability to self-regulate, clients have more control over their lives, have improved relationships, and are better able to live joyfully in the present moment.
https://www.complextrauma.org/glossary/co-regulation/
https://www.nichq.org/insight/childrens-social-and-emotional-development-starts-co-regulation
https://www.wellandgood.com/co-regulation-techniques/