How To Set Boundaries That Make A Difference
Kelly TeBrinke, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE CHILLIWACK THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
What are personal boundaries?
Following through on a personal boundary can be incredibly painful. It can mean saying goodbye to someone in our life.
What is a personal boundary? A personal boundary defines the limits of what actions are acceptable and comfortable for an individual. Boundaries are the lines we set for ourselves in various aspects of life, including the realms of emotional, physical, sexual, workplace, material, and time.
Following through on a boundary can be crucial for mental, emotional, physical, or sexual well-being.
Challenges to upholding our personal boundaries:
Why do we sometimes struggle to maintain our boundaries? It can be due to codependency, excessive loyalty, or a fear of failure. Codependency can refer to a relationship where one person is overly reliant on another, often seen in situations involving addiction. What frequently takes place is one’s energy, time, and attention are solely dedicated to the one struggling with addiction.
Self-reflection: Do I exhibit signs of unhealthy codependency? Consider if there’s a relationship where you feel the need to prioritize someone else’s well-being over your own.
Maintaining integrity while saying goodbye:
Let’s take some time to work through the way we say goodbye after our boundary is crossed. While relationships will undoubtedly change after goodbyes, it’s essential to retain your sense of self and not let the goodbye change you. You don’t have to let go of who you are.
Can we acknowledge hurt without unleashing hurt?
Can we recognize a necessary ending without unnecessary slander?
Can we handle the situation with maturity and peace while moving forward?
Following a goodbye, we will likely still feel hurt and betrayed. Some memories may always be painful. However, sometimes, for growth to happen, goodbyes have to happen first. There are times when we must separate ourselves and say goodbye to a relationship. Some goodbyes are for a season, and others for a lifetime.
Recognize the importance of not being pulled down by the addiction of others. You are stronger than the pull of addiction and worthy of growth. Consider space, a separation for a time, or even a final goodbye so that you can seek health again.
How to start:
Define your boundaries. Start small and focus on one issue at a time. Be clear and focus on what you want. Be concise about what you’re comfortable with. Use simple language and avoid accusatory “you” statements.
Consider defining your boundaries with a clinical counsellor. Working on boundaries in counselling can provide a safe space for productive discussions and progress. Having a neutral person, such as a clinical counsellor, present during hard conversations can bring about peace and forward movement.
Questions to reflect on:
What has your experience been like with necessary goodbyes?
What was good and what was difficult about these experiences?
Try this affirmation:
I accept [name of person] for who they are. I leave the responsibility in their hands. I acknowledge my own needs. I release unhealthy attachments and give myself permission to say goodbye.
This article is inspired by “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa Terkeurst