Inner Conflict: Why Does One Part of Me Feel One Way and Another Part Feel Differently?
Megan Davies, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Vitality Collective - Vancouver Counselling & Therapy
Why do I feel so torn? What is “Parts Work” and Internal Family Systems (IFS) and how can it help you make sense of behaviour and inner conflict?
In the course of a day, many of us may think, ‘a part of me wants to do this and yet, at the same time, another part of me wants to do the opposite’. Sometimes, this is felt as an inner conflict and can result in feeling stuck. Usually, we simply notice this conflict and override one of the arguments. Parts work is used in various ways by counsellors, but is the centrepiece of an approach called Internal Family Systems. In the IFS model, which is supported by modern neuropsychological research, the psyche is considered to be a complex system of interactive parts, where each part has a positive intention and value, and gets activated at different times. The different parts have agendas of their own, and their roles and strategy for helping or coping may not necessarily be the best, as they may distort the present based on experiences in the past.
What are the signs of having different parts?
- Inner conflicts that are hard to resolve
- Persistent contradictory behaviour to what you believe
- Saying one thing and doing another
- Inability to make a decision
- Holding two (or more) potentially conflicting perspectives
- Feeling multiple emotions at once
- Having a hard time saying/knowing who you are
- Feeling different from one moment to the next or one day to the next
We all have parts of our neuropsychological wiring that have different thoughts, feelings and opinions about the same thing just like this. Some days we might feel one way more than the other and the following day could be the opposite. These inner conflicts can lead to a considerable amount of confusion and anxiety especially when they remain unexamined. Often, we will deem certain emotions, needs, or sensations as acceptable while pushing away and rejecting others. It might even feel as if some feelings are more “real” while others are fake. In truth, all parts of our self are real, important, and necessary. Parts work can help us untangle habitually stuck patterns and conflicts that may be playing our in our lives. Parts work is a powerful tool designed to help us notice, name, give voice to, and understand the many parts operating within our minds and psyches. If you’ve seen the movie Inside Out, you’ve gotten a simplified taste of how your inner world may look. With many parts of us talking and acting at different times, it’s helpful to know their motives, fears, desires, agendas, purpose, and function in your inner world. If we think about Riley’s parts in Inside Out, they were personified and operated within her and in times of conflict, they all believed that they knew what was best for her, hello internal conflict. Parts work is about exploring and embracing the parts of yourself so you can feel clarity and deeper awareness, heal the wounded and exiled parts, know what part of yourself is acting in various situations, and how to lead from your wise Self.
The Parts
When we experience an internal conflict, it is easy to identify the opposing parts. In this internal free-for-all, you will inevitably feel torn and indecisive. Our many parts function like members or a large family. According to IFS, each part is with us from our birth, possessing its own temperamental style. Inner parts work invites people to take time to introduce the parts to the Self. Most of the time, we only know our parts through our other parts. A part of me gets angry at another part of me that eats too much; a part of me gets upset when another part of me works too much; a part of me gets frustrated when another part of me forgets to pay for parking; and on and on. In real life, with real people, criticizing someone for eating too much won’t help them stop – but listening to them, and hearing about the stress that drives them to eat for relief, creates a space for them to feel heard, and find better ways to relieve stress. The best results happen when we approach others from our Self – from a place of compassion, interest, and care.
The Self
We all have parts inside, but we are also not only our parts. We each have a Self and all that is not the Self are parts. The Self is like the conductor of an orchestra, the self leads the parts. The Self is a positive way of feeling or being that is separate from the parts. The Self always feels positively towards the parts, this is the main difference between Self and parts. Internal Family Systems defines the qualities of the Self as the 8 C’s:
Compassion
Curiosity
Calmness
Creativity
Connectedness
Clarity
Confidence
Courage
A major goal of parts work is to distinguish between the parts and the Self and re-establish relationships. Here are a few things you can try on your own;
Notice parts and bring curiosity towards your parts. Where do you sense this part in or around your body? What is the part afraid of?
Appreciate all of your parts, they are just trying to protect you
Approach each part with compassion and care.
When an individual has a history of trauma, there can be a greater divide between different parts. A potential likelihood of this great divide between parts, is dissociative symptoms. You may feel a great need to be perfect in order to feel safe, or you may feel at war with yourself, criticizing yourself for past choices or feelings. Or you may feel as if you are cut off from your feelings and going through the motions of life without a sense of connection.