Low Self-Esteem: What It Is and What Can You Do About It?
Kate Malone, RCC, Vitality Collective
Vancouver Therapist & Registered Clinical Counsellor
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Having low self-esteem can…
impact relationship, work or home life, body image, and mental health. Read on to find out what it means and what you can do about it.
What is self-esteem
Self-esteem is our sense of self-worth and the value we see in ourselves. It influences how capable we believe we are, our confidence to take risks, and our ability to see both our strengths and weaknesses clearly. Having high self-esteem doesn’t mean that we are perfect, or even feel confident all the time. But it could look like accepting ourselves, flaws, and all, and generally feeling good about who we are.
How do I know if I have low self-esteem?
You may have low self-esteem if you have feelings that you are bad, inadequate, or worthless in some way. Here are some other ways that you might experience low self-esteem:
The Inner Critic
People with low self-esteem tend to have a very loud “inner critic”. This is an inner voice that judges criticizes, and even shames you. This self-criticism is experienced as an internal attack, and leads to higher levels of stress, impacting our ability to make decisions and think clearly.
Anxiety, Worry, and Rumination
A common companion to low self-esteem is anxiety and worry. When you don’t have high regard for yourself, it is easy to imagine all the ways that things could go wrong. Anxiety is your brain trying to protect you by preparing for the “worst-case scenario”, but can lead to avoidance of opportunities, perpetuating the belief that you are incapable.
Individuals with low self-esteem can also get stuck ruminating, or thinking repetitive negative thoughts, about perceived flaws, mistakes, or situations you wished had gone differently.
Low tolerance for mistakes
Another characteristic of low self-esteem is being strongly impacted by failure, conflict, or mistakes. These challenging situations may feel like they confirm your beliefs about yourself, further “proof” that you are inadequate.
However, mistakes and failure are part of the human experience. Failures can be an important part of learning and growth. Individuals with low self-esteem, however, may feel defeated when things go wrong and feel less inclined to try again.
What contributes to low self-esteem?
Early experiences such as bullying, neglect, or emotional abuse. These experiences can leave a lasting impact on our sense of self-worth, including feelings of self-blame as if they could have done something to avoid the abuse.
Lack of warmth, praise or encouragement growing up. Receiving affection as a child is vital to developing a positive sense of self. Without it, children may assume that they are bad or not enough.
Unrealistic cultural standards. We receive so many messages about what identities are deemed valuable in our society. If we don’t see our own identities celebrated through the media, by our families, or by our peers, we can internalize that there is something wrong with us.
What can you do about it?
Learn to stop believing your thoughts. Cognitive tools can help you to build awareness and gain some control over thinking patterns that perpetuate low self-esteem. Try challenging your negative thoughts with opposing positive ones or keeping a journal of what types of negative thoughts arise and when.
Identifying the inner critic. By identifying the inner critic as a voice that isn’t helpful, we can take away some of its power over us. Try giving the inner critic a name and asking them to step aside when they are criticizing you.
Self-compassion practice. Developing self-compassion is about learning to speak to yourself with kindness and warmth, especially in situations that feel challenging or stressful. Think of the way you might speak to a friend going through something difficult and try speaking that way to yourself. Try the exercise below for an introduction to self-compassion.
Exercise:
Try to imagine talking to someone you really care about who is going through a hard time. Imagine they are telling you about a difficult scenario, maybe feeling some challenging emotions like self-doubt or inadequacy.
Imagine what you might say to them. What would you tell them about themselves, or the situation?
Next, just notice any sensations that arise. Do you feel warm? Are you smiling? Do you feel care towards this person? Do you feel the desire to comfort them?
This is compassion. This exercise is just for you to notice what it feels like inside. Self-compassion can be hard, so it can be easier to start by offering it to someone else. Then we can use that feeling of warmth and care as a reference for offering ourselves compassion too.
Speaking with a therapist or other professional. Understanding what contributes to feelings of low self-esteem can be a powerful step in beginning to develop feelings of worth. A therapist can also help you build tools to grow your self-esteem and cope with feelings of unworthiness.
Sources
https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-low-self-esteem-5185978
https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/low-self-esteem/
https://positivepsychology.com/inner-critic-worksheets/
https://self-compassion.org/exercise-1-treat-friend/