The Cost of Emotional Labour
Please note that this article has a very cisgender and heterosexual relationship point-of-view, and I am very open to hearing experiences of emotional labour from people who fall outside of these orientations and relationship dynamics. Written by Inder Kauldher, a therapist at Vitality Collective.
Every year when I organize my family calendar (it’s one of those “mom” calendars with lots of space and special stickers), I make sure to include as many birthdays, anniversaries, school events, work events, and appointments, as I can remember. I even use green star-shaped stickers to remind my husband of the alternating garbage and green bin only weeks. Sometimes my husband will add a few things too—it’s a great tool. When it’s close to a parent’s or sibling’s birthday, I’ll be the first to send a text out to the rest of the crew so that we can plan some sort of a gift and gathering. These things are important and enjoyable for me, but that does not mean they’re not work—it’s emotional labour, it matters, and it’s undervalued!
How many times have you bought a greeting card for your partner to give to his parent or sibling? Have you found yourself judged if you don’t make the PAC meetings or contribute to school bake sales and fundraising efforts? Has your husband ever been applauded for doing something that you do all the time? Have you ever ended up doing dishes in the staff room that aren’t yours? Have you ever heard of someone being referred to as a “work wife”?
If this is you or someone you know, you may want to read on. This article is inspired by a podcast that really opened my eyes to a concept I was just living with as a norm—and maybe because it is. The episode is called “Emotional Labor is Labor!” from the podcast Stuff Mom Never Told You, hosted by Anney Reese and Bridget Todd. It also references Gemma Hartley’s 2017 article, “Women aren’t Nags—We’re Just Fed Up”.
So, what exactly is emotional labour? It consists of work historically done by women, in various personal and professional settings, that comprises of things like actively listening to people vent, scheduling, remembering important dates, planning social events, coming up with gifts or tokens of appreciation, and just being aware of others’ emotions on top of their own.
Emotional labour is important work that has kept communities and families functioning. However, because the vast majority of it has historically been done by women, it has not had the value or importance placed on it in respect to being considered labour, which it most certainly is. Often, it’s this invisible labour that just becomes expected, underappreciated, and often very apparent when it is left undone. It can often be expected of women but considered voluntary for men. So why not just refuse to do it? Often there can be a very real backlash if someone refuses to plan and host a family dinner; expectations have been built into the system and saying “No” comes with consequences.
Reese and Todd mention how in service and in on-demand industries, emotional labour is often required for tips and high reviews. Can you imagine if SAHMs and SAHDs were actually paid for all the labour (emotional and otherwise) that they invest in raising a family? For me personally, a one-year maternity leave had me beyond exhausted with the relentless 24-7 routine, and I found my emotional reserves depleting. Returning back to work actually helped add some balance to my life, and for me, it was the right decision.
So, what can we do about the unequal distribution of emotional labour in our lives? Recognizing it is an essential first step, because only then can we start having an open and honest conversation about it, even if we begin the conversation with just ourselves. How important is it for me to continue investing in emotional labour? What are some signs that it is becoming more emotionally taxing than fulfilling? Am I letting societal or family expectations rule my life? Can I afford to cut back and delegate some tasks? Can I afford not to?
After answering these questions, if you find some much-needed changes are necessary, it’s time to bring it up with your family, partner, or at work. Because it can be such a norm, particularly for women, others may not even realize it as being an issue until it is brought up and discussed.
I decided to examine my own emotional labour practices and put some boundaries into practice this weekend, as my daughter happened to be invited to a birthday party. I have not been feeling well the last couple of weeks and have been trudging through the work weeks and weekends of family obligations. I’ve tried to make every single birthday party we’ve been invited to unless we have been double-booked, contagious, or away. This time I took a step back and let my husband take her alone, and took that time to do what I needed to feel rested and replenished for the work week ahead. Of course, he had a neatly wrapped present magically appear, but small steps and no judgement, right?
We need to recognize when our cup needs filling, what helps replenish us, and how the world does not end if we take a step back. And as it’s been said many times and, in many ways, exhaustion should not be worn as a badge of honour. Let’s keep reminding each other of that. ☺
References:
"Emotional Labor Is Labor!" 6 July 2018.
Stuff Media LLC. <https://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/podcasts/emotional-labor-is-labor.htm> 11 September 2019
Hartley, Gemma. “Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.” Harper's BAZAAR, 27 September 2017, https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/.
Inder Kauldher, MC, RCC
Inder has extensive experience working with adolescents, adults, and families. Counselling new mothers and parents in areas of PPD/A became a passion of hers through her own journey. Having experienced, first-hand, the mental health challenges pregnancy and parenthood can bring, she finds pieces of her own experiences in the birth stories and journeys of parenthood she hears from her clients. She also specializes in areas of depression, anxiety, life transitions, burnout, and cross-cultural issues. For communication with the author, please direct your correspondence here: inderkauldher@vitalitycollective.ca