5 Ways to Manage Your Expectations This Thanksgiving

It’s October already!  And you know what that means.  It means shorter days, and sweaters but not winter jackets.  It means that school routine is probably in full swing, and PSL is everywhere.

October also means the beginning of the Thanksgiving and then Christmas season. 

For many of us, these two celebrations evoke images that are Pinterest or Instagram worthy.  Happy people around a table where a huge turkey is sitting, and stomachs are about to be full.  It means good family connection time, and feeling like you belong somewhere.

And then there’s some of us who are trying to figure out how to get through these celebrations with the least amount of conflict as possible.  Maybe Uncle Joe has just come out, and so there’s going to be tension with grandma and grandpa.  Or your parents aren’t very happy that you left (or stayed with) your spouse and won’t speak to them.  Then there’s those of us that wish our families cared enough to react to these things.  If they did, then maybe the conversations would be about more than what the weather is like and what Trump is doing, and you would talk about stuff that matters.  And you could be known and loved and accepted just as you are. 

Since Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, there isn’t a lot that one article can do to help you fix all of those things, but the hope is that it might be able to help some of you manage your expectations around this season and help you get through in a way you feel you had a say in how your experience yourself, others and your time.

Here are some ways that you can manage your expectations this Thanksgiving.

1.  Ask for what you need from people.  If you know that there are certain topics that get everyone fighting, ask your family to agree to leave those out of the dinner conversation this time.  Maybe you know that your sister really doesn’t like your brother-in-law.  Take some time before the dinner to take her aside and ask what she needs in order to not bring that into the room.  Maybe you use place cards this year to strategically put people in places where conflict is less likely to arise.  A lot of our family conflict can be avoided if you are proactive and state your expectations of their behaviour before they arrive and dinner is on the table. 

2.  Have some conversation starters ready.  This is one place that Pinterest can be super helpful.  They have printables that you could put at each person’s place setting so that you avoid the normal points of contention.  Last year Urban Barn had cloth napkins with questions on them, which makes them decorative, useful, and a way to keep everyone talking rather than just Auntie Jane who tends to dominate the conversation.

3.  Traditions are great, but sometimes they need to be flexible.  You may have grown up where Thanksgiving dinner was always on Sunday evening, everyone went for a walk after, and then watched a movie together.  And now that you’re older, and have your own kids, you’re overwhelmed about thinking of having turkey dinner at 5:00 when your children are at their wits end, and if they stay up past 7:00 all hell will break loose the next day.  Or maybe you need to split your Thanksgiving celebrations with an ex-spouse who isn’t (or their mom isn’t) being flexible with their tradition.  Where can you be flexible?  Can turkey dinner be at 3:00 instead?  Or maybe it can be on Friday night with a turkey breast and potatoes.  How can you release the idea of what “has to be,” with what you actually want and desire out of your traditions.  If the walk and the movie are important, then maybe the day doesn’t matter.  If you like the way you all are together and it’ll feel empty without a celebration maybe you do a brunch instead so you still get that family time.  Think outside the box.  And then also find a way to care for yourself when Sunday at 5:00 comes around and you’re acutely aware that things have changed.  Both can be true.

4.  Share the responsibilities.  Just because you have always been the one to prepare the whole dinner doesn’t mean you need to take all of that on again this year.  It is okay to ask others to contribute to the dinner either by bringing food, prepping it with you, or cleaning up after you’re done eating.  If you are exhausted with the process of caring for everyone by taking care of details, and then take the next day to recover, you may start resenting this family time rather than relishing in it.

On the flip side, if you are the one who is always the guest, make the effort to help rather than just sit back and watch it all happen.  Be the first one to get to the host’s house, and put on an apron, or set the table.  Once dinner is done, start clearing the table before your mom does.  Everyone’s in the living room relaxing?  Ask how you can help either facilitate some fun connecting time, or putting out the dessert.  While your host may object, they will most likely be more than grateful.

5.  Agree on a boundary with your partner before you go to Thanksgiving dinner.  If you are in a family where you are mentally and emotionally exhausted after spending more than an hour with them, it is okay to take care of yourself.  Talk to your partner before you go over to the in-laws for the family get together, and set realistic and agreed upon expectations.  Maybe you agree that two hours is the most that you can handle before things start to sour.  Give yourself permission to leave at that time.  How much better would it feel to leave the family on an “okay” note rather than a “sour” one? 

Do you know that you don’t want to talk about whether you’re going to have kids?  Get married?  Start liking girls?  Stop playing so many video games?  Come up with a response that you are comfortable with and then use it.  “I’m glad you’re excited for when we have children.  I’m looking forward to it to…whenever that day might come.  And since we don’t know that yet can we talk about something else?”  “We’re happy with where our relationship is right now.  We’ll let you know when something changes.”   

If you are attending a family dinner with someone else, come up with a signal that you need help or support.  Maybe it’s getting up to go to the bathroom and staying in there longer than necessary.  A toe touch, reaching out for their hand, or a cue word that you’ve agreed on.   

And then follow through for each other.  It is so much better to leave a family dinner with a bit of guilt for not staying longer than it is to resent them because you stayed.

There are many ways to make your experience of Thanksgiving dinner one that you enjoy, feel more connected at, or have good boundaries around. 

If you would like some help exploring these ideas with a counsellor, or start finding ways to understand why you feel the way you do about your close relationships, please contact us at info@vitalitycollective.ca to book an appointment with one of our Masters-level trained counsellors.We would love to support you and help you reach your goals around these two celebration times that are coming up.