What's Happening to My Child? How to Navigate the “Tween” Years.
Raelene Hurry, MEd, Registered Clinical Counsellor – Vitality Collective, Surrey Therapist
It seems like I blinked and suddenly my little children are not so little anymore.
They are more independent and capable of taking care of themselves. They can read to themselves, dress, do chores, and make their own food (although it likely won’t contain all the food groups). They have a new sense of independence and need for social connections. They’ve outgrown their clothes and shoes; I’m suddenly buying adult sizes to fit their growing bodies and needing to remember to say “no tax” to the cashier. Out of nowhere, they are questioning world events and decisions made by our leaders in this time of crisis they are growing up in. Between the ages of 9 and 12, they are not little children anymore; yet they still may have big emotions when they are overwhelmed or ask for one more hug or an extra cuddle before bed. They need familiar routines, love and connection. They really are “in-between” a state of dependence and independence.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Perhaps you feel like when you blink, you open your eyes and see another version of your child standing before you. Maybe you are in awe, loving the changes you see in front of you. Maybe you are in fear, worrying about their well-being, especially during this pandemic. Perhaps you are frustrated because they are more observant and critical of your parenting or how you talk to them. Perhaps you feel confused because they are beginning to try on different roles and personalities and express personal preferences. Just as this is a time of transition for you as a parent, as you learn to respond to and interact with your child in new and different ways, this is also a time of huge transformation for your child.
So What Do You Need to Know?
First of all, there is a wide range in development during this tween stage (age 9-12). So while the following information may apply to your tween, don’t be alarmed if your child seems older or younger based on the descriptions below; we are all unique and we grow and blossom in our own time.
FRIENDSHIPS AND MORE
Tweens are becoming much more socially aware of themselves and others and start to become conscious of how they look, act, and how they think others perceive them. They may want to dress differently or do their hair in new ways, often to fit in with others or to follow trends they like online. They begin to desire a sense of belonging. Whether they have lots of friends, just a few, or none at all, tweens know that fitting in and finding friends isn’t always easy. This is a common time for children to have conflicts with others. They may be the victim or the perpetrator of bullying (physically or relationally). Relational aggression (mean words, nasty looks, rumours, cyberbullying, manipulative behaviour) happens at school and online, often. Fueled by emotion and lacking problem-solving skills, tweens are often easily sucked into toxic relationships and unhealthy communication patterns.
What Can You Do?
This is the perfect age to offer support for navigating conflict with others and to teach effective ways to deal with bullying or unkind behaviour, both online and in person. Model solving problems peacefully in your home. Try an I-message (I feel _____, when you _______, and I would like ______). Teach them how to solve a problem: identify it, brainstorm solutions, explore the possible result of each choice, choose a solution, try it, evaluate (Did it work? What else can I do?).
BODY CHANGES AND BODY IMAGE
Puberty often begins during these tween years; for girls, menses may begin between 8 and 14 and for boys, puberty may start between 9 and 15. It is often at this time that tweens become self-conscious of their bodies and may begin to experience challenges with their body image. Children are exposed to messages about people’s bodies constantly; we live in a culture that shames people for having fat on their body, pimples on their face, or other differences in appearance. Our tweens get these messages from social media, from peers, and from family members’ comments, personal experiences or judgements. It is around this time of puberty that some tweens feel a disconnect with the body they are in and the gender they feel they are.
What Can You Do?
Before your daughter gets her period, help her create a period pack that she can keep in her backpack and teach her what to do when it comes. This can be a surprising moment for any young lady, but being prepared can reduce anxiety and increase confidence. For all tweens, normalize puberty and talk about the changes they can expect. Tweens often feel very self-conscious so having open discussions (the earlier the better) can help them talk about their changes, ask questions, and seek help when they need it. This open communication can lead to being able to have open, healthy conversations about their sexual health as well.
Having open discussions with our tweens and normalizing normal bodies is essential to healthy development. Openly discuss how photoshopped or edited most photos and videos they see online really are and if they are on social media platforms, encourage them to follow body positive influencers. Speak kindly to yourself; they are always listening and watching how you treat yourself. Avoid comments about their bodies and instead focus on their strengths, interests and talents.
HOW THEY THINK
The brain is maturing at a rapid rate during the preteen years. It is typically after the age of 7 or 8, children begin to understand other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions and that they may not be the same as their own. They are better able to communicate and reason logically with others. These changes in brain development mean your child will interact with you and with their peers in new ways.
What Can You Do?
It is a great time to communicate openly, talk about your interests and theirs, or encourage them to share their opinions or wonders about the world. Although it can be frustrating, allow them to question you and discuss your reasoning about things because it teaches them to think for themselves.
BIG FEELINGS
As you know, the tween brain and body is changing and with that comes changes in social relationships…which leads to many changes in emotions! Best friends one day, mortal enemies the next. Compliant child one day, stubborn the next. Remember they are “in-between”--they are learning to think about how others think and feel, but this doesn’t happen overnight, so they may bounce around from being very egocentric to being empathetic towards others. They have new hormones racing around their bodies and may easily succumb to the big emotions they feel.
What Can You Do?
One of the best things you can do is help your child regulate their emotions by staying calm yourself! Try not to take things personally and do your best not to let their moods rub off on you. Just breathe. Just as a firefighter can’t put out a fire if they are panicking, you can’t help your child put out their emotional fire if you are getting sucked into their emotions and start yelling or punishing them. Having empathy and thinking “wow, it must be tough for them right now” might help you avoid getting sucked into the emotional rollercoaster.
Take a breath. Stop. Just notice and name their emotion (“I can see the way your friend disrespected you made you feel so angry and hurt”). Listen without offering advice at that moment. Validate their feelings. Believe in them (“I am confident you can handle this”) or Offer support (“Do you need some help figuring out what to do?”).
Remember, foods and moods go hand in hand. Helping to provide nutritionally balanced meals and snacks can help to prevent emotional highs and lows. Without proper nutrition, the brain can be starved for vitamins and minerals that help us learn, regulate our emotions and develop to our full potential.
Lastly, exercise and physical activity are critical for all areas of your tweens’ development. It can improve emotional stability, help them sleep, develop stronger gross motor skills, coordination, ability to focus and attend to tasks, and encourages social interaction. Help them join a team or activity they are interested in, encourage them to get outside as much as they can, join them in spending as much time in nature as you can, and model physical activity yourself. Play.
Don’t forget
Your tween needs you; they need the connection to a safe and secure adult who will be there as they safely gain some independence in their lives. YOU matter. Your relationship with your child matters more than you might know. Just be there. ♡ If you need support navigating the tween years, or your tween needs another set of ears, a professional counsellor can help.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/relational-aggression-bullying-460498
https://childmind.org/article/what-parents-should-know-about-tweens/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/lets-talk-tween
https://www.healthline.com/health/piaget-stages-of-development#stages