Communicating Feelings of Anger in Healthy Ways
LUCIA AGULLA, MA, RCC, VITALITY COLLECTIVE VANCOUVER THERAPIST & REGISTERED CLINICAL COUNSELLOR
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Relationships can be the source of joy and happiness in our lives, but sometimes they can also bring conflicts and negative feelings.
When we are in a conversation with someone and we notice the first signs of anger, it is a good idea to follow some guidelines to avoid a heated argument that probably won’t solve anything.
When something is important to you, speak.
Letting some things go can be the mature thing to do, but it’s a mistake to remain silent when we are feeling upset. When we don’t speak up about something important to us, we risk losing touch with ourselves.
Avoid striking while the iron is hot.
If your aim is to change an established rule or the way things usually work in the relationship, the worst moment to address it is when you are feeling upset or angry. Instead, you can take some time off, think about what you actually want to say and how to do it and schedule another time to talk about this. Taking time is not the same as giving a cold shoulder; communicating your needs is a crucial part of this guideline.
Take your time to think about the issue and to clarify where you stand in regards to it.
Try to think about it by asking yourself these questions: what is it that’s bothering me? What is the real issue? What is my position in regards to it? What do I want to achieve? Who is responsible for what? What is what I want to change?
Don’t use low blows.
In terms of communication, a low blow could mean interpreting, offering a diagnosis, labelling, analyzing, lecturing, ordering, threatening and making fun of the other person. Don’t humiliate or undermine the person you are trying to communicate with.
Speak using the first person.
Get used to saying “I think...”, “I feel...”, “I am afraid that...”, “I want...” A first-person statement says something about ourselves without criticizing others, and it doesn’t put the responsibility on someone else about our feelings and reactions. Be aware of some first-person statements that might be hiding something different, like “I think that you are controlling and selfish”.
Avoid making unclear requests…
like “I want you to be more sensitive to my needs”. Instead, tell the other person what you want directly, like “At this moment, the best way to help me is just listening; I don’t want any advice for now”. Don't expect others to anticipate your needs or do things you haven't asked them to do. Not even the people who love us the most are capable of mindreading.
Try to understand the fact that people are different.
There are many ways of seeing the world. Different perspectives and ways of reacting do not necessarily mean that one person is “right” and the other “is wrong”. If you are concerned about who has "the truth", you are barking at the wrong tree.
Avoid intellectual discussions that lead nowhere.
Don't waste your energy trying to convince others that the “right” position is yours. If the other person doesn’t agree with you, just say “Even if it seems crazy to you, what I feel is this”, or “I understand that you don’t agree, I think we have different points of view”.
Acknowledge that each one of us is responsible for our own behaviour.
Don't blame others; if you want to find a new way to relate, you are the one that needs to find another way to approach the relationship. At the same time, the behaviour of others is not the responsibility of third parties either (for example, your father's new wife is not responsible for the distance between you and him).
Do not tell others what they think or feel (or what they “should” think or feel).
If someone reacts to a change that you have made by becoming angry, do not criticize their feelings or tell them that they have no right to be angry. Instead, try saying “I understand that you are angry, and perhaps in your place I would be too. But I have thought a lot about this, and this is my decision”.
Avoid speaking on behalf of others.
Remember to speak in the first person, and to express your own feelings.
Do not expect changes from a brief and passing confrontation.
In intimate relationships, changes occur slowly. No matter how small a change you make, you will be tested many times to see if you really are serious about it. Don't be discouraged if you get more than one surprise when you try to put your thoughts into practice. You may find that it all starts out great, but then you make mistakes when things get tough. Getting off track is just part of the journey, so bear with yourself. You'll have plenty of chances to get back in the saddle and try again.
As you might have noticed, the most important thing is our ability to take responsibility for our part in maintaining those same rules and patterns that irritate us so much.
Lerner, H. (2014). Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. United States: HarperCollins.