What to do when someone you love is abusing alcohol or drugs

Struggling with substance use is one of the most challenging experiences one can go through – however, most people don’t consider that supporting and loving someone who struggles with substance use can be just as difficult.

Most have may have heard the analogy that struggling with alcohol or drug use is a lot like being on a roller coaster, with there being a daunting amount of highs and lows. This also applies to loving someone who is in active addiction, as it can also feel similarly overwhelming & disorienting.

There is no blueprint for recovery and there is certainly no blueprint on how to support someone with an addiction.

The way to support someone starts with oneself. This can be a difficult concept to grasp, as the need to “fix” your loved one can feel so visceral and pervasive. However, you can’t help anyone when your energy tank is depleted. Below are some general guidelines to help yourself as you navigate the unpredictable waters of loving someone with an addiction. These, in turn, can help you help your loved one also. 

1)    Build Awareness

There are many misconceptions surrounding addiction and a tremendous amount of stigma about people who struggle with substance use. Much of our information can come from television shows, movies, the news, from others’ experiences, etc. These sources can oftentimes be misleading or only present a portion of the truth. It can be very beneficial to build awareness about the cycle of addiction, the lived experiences of those who struggle with substances, and about what treatment and recovery entail. This can help you build compassion for your loved ones, help you to begin building trust and patience with your loved ones, and to shift you away from blaming/shaming and towards accepting and supporting.

2)    Know Where You Start and Where Your Loved One Ends

It is exceptionally easy to fall into patterns where you take on your loved one’s struggles. Many people have heard stories about how people can enable their loved ones’ substance issues to persist.

It’s important to note that more often than not, enabling is not intentional and comes with the best of intentions.

Additionally, it is easy to take your loved ones’ substance use personally, when in reality, it usually doesn’t have anything to do with you. Because of these reasons, setting boundaries is of the utmost importance.

The type of boundaries one can set will vary based on person to person, but ultimately, they help us protect ourselves and empower our loved ones to take control and accountability.

3)    Reconnect with yourself

Part of the experience of loving someone who struggles with substance use is that it can be all-consuming. You can think of ways to “fix” them, ways to prevent them from engaging in problematic behaviour, ways to protect them from consequences, etc.

In this process, it is easy to lose your sense of self and the things that refuel and energize you. This eventually leads to burn out and losing patience with your loved one, which can ultimately feed into their maladaptive patterns. It can be incredibly healing and replenishing to engage in self-care, put yourself first, and not lose yourself in somebody else’s addiction.

4)    Connect with Others

Having a loved one who struggles with substance use can feel incredibly isolating. With there being so much shame and stigma around substance use, it can be difficult to share with others what you have been experiencing.

Because of this, it becomes very beneficial to connect with other people, especially those who can understand and validate your experience. There are a number of support groups that are geared towards family members of those who struggle with substances. Some of these groups include AlAnon, NarAnon, and SMART Recovery: Friends and Family, and others. Each of these groups can be very different from one another and may operate with different goals, ideologies, and philosophies – so it can take some time to find one that fits for you.

5)    Seek Out Counselling

The previous four guidelines sound very easy and simple, but in reality, can be very challenging. It might be difficult to know where to find accurate education on substance use, boundary setting is an ongoing process with a lot of trial and error, it can be difficult to remember the things that serve as self-care when you’re under tremendous stress, and there can a great deal of anxiety that may prevent you from accessing group support.

Each of these can be such huge hurdles, and the support of a counsellor can make them much easier. Being in counselling is also in service of each of the previous four guidelines. As being in counselling is about building awareness of oneself, learning about boundary setting, learning about self-care, feeling validated and heard, and learning coping skills.

Each of the aforementioned guidelines are just that. Guidelines.

They are not a cure or an “instant fix,” they are just meant to give some direction and shape to the chaotic nature of loving someone who is struggling with substance use.  There can be any number of things that may be helpful in your journey of supporting your loved one and everyone’s journey is specific to them. Just remember it’s an ongoing process and to be patient, kind, and gentle to yourself!

San Samra is one of the Associate Counsellors working out of Vitality Collective.  He is passionate about helping people who have been affected by substance use, whether you are the one wrestling with it, or you are doing your best to support a loved one.  You can learn more about San here.  If you would like to book a session with him, please feel free to contact us, or book an appointment with San through online booking.